Unconventional Connection
by thevoidyouknow
Summary: Rey thought the connection she'd shared with Kylo Ren had been severed; she thought it had been a lie. But she could still feel him in the back of her mind, begging for entry, beckoning her to reach out and embrace the darkness that resides within her. POST TLJ. Reylo. Rating subject to change in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I am LIVING for this ship. Seriously. Kill me._

 _Post TLJ. Reylo._

* * *

 _One:_

Rey turned over in her cot, scowling into the darkness. Months had passed like minutes as they tried to rebuild the Resistance from the burning embers that remained. As it turns out, rebuilding a military force and running from the First Order while simultaneously being _The Last Jedi_ , as people had begun titling her—mostly against her will—was all very exhausting. Rey hadn't anticipated the level of authority she'd be given or the amount of people that would rely on her, as if _she_ , a scavenger from Jakku, was the next Luke Skywalker. Not that she was downplaying herself… she knew that if she was a refugee fleeing from the tyranny of the First Order and it's new _Supreme Leader_ , she would have looked at herself the same way. But it felt foreign, and ultimately more draining than anything she'd ever experienced before.

 _So why can't I ever sleep?_

She sighed and pulled her blanket over her face, ignoring that tugging feeling in the back of her mind that held the answer.

With a defeated huff, Rey rose from her bed and made her way to the observation deck of the Resistance's newest spacecraft. It was nowhere near the size of their previous vessel, according the Finn and Poe, but it was the largest craft Rey had ever been on… if she didn't count any of the First Order's ridiculously large, unpractical ships. And she didn't.

As Rey slipped into the room, she quietly celebrated its emptiness and sat against the cold bench overlooking the vast horizon of the galaxy. She could never grow tired of the stars. There was undeniable beauty out there, and she relished in it. Especially since things grew darker with each passing day.

The new Supreme Leader saw to that.

A pang of unwarranted sadness hit Rey suddenly and she cursed herself for letting herself slip up for the second time that night. She made a point to never think of Ben—she shook her head—of Kylo Ren unless she was working. When she stood at the war table with General Organa and Poe, she could think of him as the looming threat he was, as the _monster_ he was. But when she was alone, she couldn't swallow the hurt and betrayal she felt at the simple thought of him.

And once she began thinking about him, it was nearly impossible to stop.

Her mind raced backwards in time, to the fateful moment in Snoke's chamber, when she stared up at him as he raised his lightsaber to cut her down. To do his master's bidding. To become the true villain she just didn't want him to be. And then… he didn't. He cut his master in two. And although she knew he never would have admitted it, he didn't _just_ do it to vanquish his puppet master, he did it to save her. She could feel it down to her bones, radiating through his soul and, in turn, hers. They were still connected in that moment, through Snoke's trickery, by the Force. He saved her. And just moments later, betrayed her again.

Despite how it all ended, Rey couldn't deny that fighting side by side with him, working in perfect harmony with one another, would be a moment she would cherish for the rest of her life. It was her favorite memory since her new life had begun, since she found BB-8 on Jakku. Nothing could compare. She had thought she was alone up until that moment. He showed her, in his backwards way, that she wasn't.

And then when he held out his hand to her… asking her to join him, and effectively severing whatever chance she may have had to bring him back to the Light, he showed her again that she wasn't alone. Even without him. She remembered Finn. She remembered her friends. She remembered that, at least for now, he was the Darkness she'd have to face.

Rey stopped herself, _at least for now? Listen to me, I'm going insane…_

Ben Solo was gone. Whatever part of him that had lingered was cut down by his own self-serving hatred.

Only Kylo Ren remained.

She needed to remember that.

Even so, Rey clung to every memory of him like she might forget the moments they'd shared on Ahch-To through the Force. When she'd screamed at him in the pouring rain, when he listened to her woes and they touched, ever so slightly, through the boundaries and fabric of space. When he'd surprised her by appearing slick and shirtless before her and _refused_ to cover himself. Those memories were special to her, even if their bond had been a lie. She never wanted to forget.

Rey sighed again and leaned forward, resting her elbows against her knees. She tried to free her mind of these thoughts; they were inherently dangerous. She knew that. So she gazed out into the stars, hoping to find solace where there was none. Before long though, she gave up and retreated back to her quarters, hoping sleep would finally find her.

And it did, eventually. She lulled off into a dreamless, restless slumber, only to be woken less than an hour later by the buzzing lights in her quarters, signaling the start of the day.

She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take—if something were to happen, if the First Order were to find them or they were to get attacked by raiders, she worried she wouldn't be at her full potential. In fact, she _knew_ she wouldn't be. Over the months her sleep had slowly began to suffer, coming to her later each night than it had the last, but she'd always managed to be well rested enough to fully function without the grogginess. But recently… it was like there was something keeping her awake and at bay. She was lucky to get any sleep at all most nights. She operated in a permanently exhausted state and eventually, after a few days, she'd crash and cash in her sleep debt.

Initially she thought the source of her insomnia had to do with the new living situation. A new ship, a new environment, more responsibilities to attend to… but as she acclimated to her new schedule, her sleep continued to suffer rather than recover.

As Rey stumbled from her bed and forced herself to get dressed, she found it difficult to keep her eyes open long enough to slip her legs into her boots.

 _I'm going to go crazy, at this rate…_ she mumbled to herself.

Finally, realizing that dressing was difficult enough, Rey resigned herself to asking General Organa for a late start to catch up on her sleep.

She found Leia on the Bridge, leaning over the center table, a thoughtful look on her aged face. "Rey," she greeted her enthusiastically but her smile faltered when she lifted her eyes to meet Rey's heavy-lidded ones. "You've certainly looked better." She said with a purse of her lips. Her words were teasing but the concern behind them was genuine.

Rey tried to smile but even that proved too tiring, "I didn't sleep… well." She said, trying to slap some life into her face.

"Clearly," Leia answered with mild amusement, "You've been looking especially drained recently, are you doing alright?"

Rey nodded and explained her insomnia the best she could manage, hoping her words didn't slur together too much.

Leia was silent for a long, thoughtful moment, "Have you felt anything?" She asked in a hushed voice, "A disturbance in the Force?"

Rey blinked, finding herself slightly more awake at the General's serious tone. She hadn't thought of her sleep deprivation in that way at all… but if the Force was trying to show her something, she couldn't pinpoint what it was. "No," Rey answered, "Nothing like that, not that I can think of."

She nodded but pursed her lips in contemplation, "I want you to go back to your room and rest, I need you at your best."

Rey dipped her head gratefully, eager to crawl back into her blankets, and started back to the hallway.

"Oh, and Rey," General Organa called over shoulder, "The Force _will_ guide you, if you let it. Now, off to bed with you."

Rey nodded once more and headed back to her quarters, sleepily contemplating the Generals words. _Could_ the Force help her figure out what was causing her insomnia or _was_ it the cause, warning her of something she couldn't see yet?

A hundred questions raced through her groggy brain as she made her way back into her bed, not even bothering to undress before crawling under the covers, boots and all.

For the first time in a long time, Rey dreamt. And somehow, she could feel Ben deep in the recess of her mind. Like he was seeing what she was seeing as a fantasy played out under her eyelids.

 _Rey stifled a laugh, watching Ben swing a green lightsaber around the training quarters. His form was excellent, but there was something so funny about watching him concentrate so deeply. It warmed her down to the core, she couldn't help but laugh._

 _He turned and gave her a disapproving frown, embarrassment hidden under his scowl._

 _"Don't mind me," Rey said, suppressing a smile and pulling her lightsaber back up to the ready position, returning to her practice forms._

 _"What are you laughing at?" His voice was practically a hiss._

 _"Nothing, shouldn't you be practicing?"_

 _He cocked an eyebrow at her but returned to his task regardless._

 _Rey watched him over her shoulder every now and then, wishing she could keep this ingrained in her memory forever. His black hair, slicked back from hours of exertion, small beads on sweat running down his ivory face… dark eyes creased with focus, lips pressed into a taught line until he swung his saber and they parted with a sharp exhale._

 _She felt like she could cry at any moment, overcome by the unfamiliar happiness that radiated from him._

 _If things had been different, if he'd joined her in the Light, maybe this was a reality she could have witnessed…_

 _And then suddenly, the scenery grew dark, Ben morphed into his black robes, and Rey found herself standing beside him in the wreckage of a battlefield, bodies littered the ground. Each of them wore the face of the Supreme Leader, Snoke. Fire raged around them but Rey wasn't afraid. She was her strongest self in that moment, powerful and clad in black like he was. She felt whole._

 _Kylo Ren turned to her, dark eyes dripping with satisfaction at their conquest. They'd eliminated the real enemy. Together. 100 times over. They could do it again, as many times as they needed. And they would before their time together was done._

 _"This is our power," Ren's voice rang proudly and boomed over the crackling of the surrounding flames._

 _Rey didn't need to speak. She knew he was right, and she couldn't deny just how_ good _it felt being shoulder to shoulder with him, no matter what they'd face. In one swift motion she reached up to him and placed her small hand on his scarred cheek. He leaned into her palm, eyes fluttering shut for a split second._

 _He blinked himself back into reality and peered into her eyes. She felt his happiness again, but it was colder now, almost detached. His happiness emanated from her presence at his side, not by their fallen enemies. But there was something else, too. It reeked of regret, and Rey found herself drowning in it. She felt his pain like it was her own._

 _"What?" She whispered, hand still firmly planted against his face, thumbing his pale skin under her finger. All she wanted to do was to make him stop hurting— why was he looking at her like that?_

 _His expression morphed into sheer panic, twisting with horror. He placed his hand on top of hers like he wanted to savor the sensation and spoke in a slow, shaky voice, "I've ruined you, haven't I?" It was a question but he wasn't looking for an answer, his words fell from his lips hurriedly, "I can hardly feel it, now… it's gone, I took it. I… Why did you let me me take it from_ you _?" He shook his head as her expression changed to meet his accusations, "Your Light," he growled, anger unfurling inside him, "You were right to leave me."_

 _Rey's eyes burned, suddenly angry herself. What was he talking about? She didn't leave. She was here, at his side, like he wanted, like_ she _wanted. And now he suddenly cared about her Light? She'd snuffed it out, like he taught her. Because somewhere deep down she felt the truth in his beliefs, even if they were contorted in agony. "I'm here," She insisted. She just needed him to see, how could she make him see?_

 _Ren shook his head, "No, Rey, you're not. I only wish you were."_

 _Realization flooded her consciousness, and everything around her grew dark. Ren faded slowly, dissolving under her touch until she was alone in the blackness of her mind._

 _She dropped her hand to her side and lowered her head in shame—_

 _It wasn't real. None of it was. Not the Light she imagined in Ben, not the Darkness she felt in herself. It was all in her head. And… in_ his.

Rey pulled herself back into the waking world, unsure how she was supposed to feel. She wanted to be angry. Those dreams were inexcusable. She had never felt such a strong pull to the Dark side since she'd discovered her affinity to the Force. Even when Kylo Ren had held his hand out to her and begged her to join him, to rule the galaxy by his side, the pull hadn't been quite as strong. And even in that lapse of judgement, when she longed to take his hand, she knew she couldn't. She knew it was wrong, _he_ was wrong, and she couldn't abandon her friends. Not even for him, not for anything.

She stared up at her ceiling, contemplating. Something about her dream was bugging her—it was her own, she couldn't deny it. And she felt the slightest bit of shame at her own confession… but something was off. It belonged to her but, at the same time, it didn't. It was a feeling she couldn't quite put her finger on. It almost felt like…

Like it belonged to Ben too.

 _Kylo Ren_ , she suddenly corrected herself with a sigh.

His dreams, his wishes, his fears, they all felt like her own. They had merged with her, albeit briefly, during the span of her sleep. It was comforting and unsettling all at once... The idea that their connection _might_ still exist somewhere, deep within the Force, pulled a smile to her lips and at the same time, filled her chest with dread.

Rey knew he'd felt it too.

And she was terrified of what he may do.

* * *

 _A/N: I'm thinking this (whatever it is) is all going to be told from Rey's point of view.. But we'll see where my brain goes as I keep writing. If you made it this far, thanks for reading!_

 _Review?_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I still can't believe I wasn't on board with this pairing until after I saw The Last Jedi. Shaaaame. On. Me._

* * *

 _Two:_

Rey tried to steady her breathing. It was more difficult than she remembered. She fumbled through her forms and fought the frustration that burned inside her—it was like her feet were made of lead. She twisted her hands around her staff and squeezed.

 _Focus._ She tried to tell herself. _Just reach out._

She swung her quarterstaff again, harder. Sharper. _There_. She twisted and stepped to her right, bringing her strongest leg forward. _Breathe_. She flung her weapon around her torso, letting its weight carry it around before grabbing it from the air. Another step to the right, one step back, _swing_. Breathe. Swing.

Rey fell into her rhythm, ignoring the people watching her from across the training quarter, she pushed out their awe and expectations.

She needed this release. No matter how exhausted she was, after her dreams… she _needed_ to free her mind of Kylo Ren.

 _That's right_ , she reminded herself, smiling as her staff whirled around her, _the Force is a free-flowing energy. It's everywhere, in everything. In me. It binds the universe together._

She let her mind fall back to Ahch-To and the short time she'd spent with her Master as she stepped gracefully into the next set of her forms. She felt the wind over the ocean blowing through her hair, the cool air stinging her face. She smelled the brine of the sea and breathed it in greedily— _left, left, swing, turn, breathe—_ she felt the heavy stone under her feet, heard the scratch of her boots sliding across the stone. She listened to her breathing level out, ragged to controlled. She felt Luke standing a few paces behind her, watching.

With each swing of her quarterstaff, Rey felt weightless, peaceful. It was like she could feel everything around her all at once, throughout universe, life entering the world, the inevitable death that would follow. She felt the hope rising from the ashes, she felt the spark that would ignite the flame— and then she felt the Darkness.

It twisted all around her. A blackness that would swallow everything—

 _Breathe_ , Rey pushed against her own mind. _Just reach out…_

Rey closed her eyes and tightened her grip. The muscles in her arms ached but she pressed on. _Forward, back_. She whipped her staff behind her, harder with every thrust.

Ben was there too, somewhere. Calling to her, pushing the Darkness against her consciousness. Whether he was doing it on purpose, she couldn't tell. She rejected it. She rejected him. She pushed harder against it but it never staggered. It felt like she was trying to push a mountain. It was still there no matter how hard she tried denying it, closing in on her, relentless and dangerously tempting. Like he was. She felt it's shadowy hand just over her shoulder, threatening to whisk her away, to drag her under, just like… like…

"No!" Rey's eyes snapped open and she turned and lunged forward, dropping her staff into one hand and holding out the other, ready to push that feeling away, to crush it once and for all—

Wide, brown eyes met hers and Rey inhaled sharply, pulling back the power she felt running down her arms, coiling in her palm, spreading through her fingertips. She recoiled as it finally registered who was standing before her, "Finn!" She breathed, realizing suddenly what she'd been about to do.

He held up his hands and eyed her wearily, "Rey…"

Finally, her surroundings came into focus and she looked around with wide eyes. The training quarter had emptied out completely, and she was surrounded by debris. Anything that hadn't been bolted down was flung in every which direction, scattered and broken. Looking down, she gasped at the floor beneath her feet. It was crumpled and cracked in some places, a pipe hissed below her, blowing hot, white steam into the room from the wreckage _she'd_ caused.

She wasn't sure what to say—embarrassment and shame obvious on her face.

 _How did I…_ Rey shook her head and looked back at Finn, unsure what to say. What kind of explanation could she possibly give? _Was_ there an explanation that could explain it? Every possibility ran through her mind like lightning, but nothing was good enough. Nothing that might make sense of it was anywhere close to the truth.

Finn shook his head and laughed, "This Jedi stuff is _crazy_! Seriously, it was like you were in another world." Despite their surroundings, he wasn't afraid. In fact, he looked almost impressed.

"It's like I was," She answered slowly.

"Are you alright?" He took a quick step closer to her and she only nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from the ripped metal just below her feet. In an instant, he was upon her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"I-I'm fine, really!" She stammered, fighting off a laugh at his unrestrained enthusiasm. She hugged him back anyway. It felt nice.

"I sure as hell hope so!" Another familiar voice called from the edge of the room, "General Organa wants to see you… I'd say the sooner the better." Poe Dameron added, looking around wide-eyed at the destruction she'd caused. But, just like Finn, his eyes weren't fearful. Definitely surprised… but not afraid.

"Right…" Rey murmured, waiting for Finn to release her.

Another awkward moment passed, and the embrace continued.

"Uh, Finn. I need to go talk to Leia now…" She said, giving him a reassuring pat on the back. "I'm fine… I promise."

"Right." He responded immediately, taking an exaggerated step back and crossing his arms, "Right, of course. Better hurry." He nodded toward Poe and Rey couldn't help but smile as she followed the ace-pilot to the bridge.

Rey had always thought the Resistance's cause was righteous, she believed in what they were doing. She believed that when there was a chance, no matter how small, you had to take it. And for the Resistance, that meant pushing back against the First Order. Despite the connection she felt to it, there had been moments that she wondered if it was where she was truly meant to be right now. She was an unseasoned warrior wielding a quarterstaff, a Jedi with no lightsaber.

Rey dropped her hand to her belt instinctively, wishing that one day she'd reach down and find it still fastened there.

All Rey truly had was a connection to the Force. She knew she needed to train harder than ever before, harder than everyone here. But she'd had doubts that she could learn what she needed to with the Resistance. The first time that thought had popped into her head, she'd almost packed her bags and jumped onto the first ship she could find. But Finn and Poe kept her grounded, and ultimately tied to the cause. When she was with them, she felt stronger than she ever had. It was hard to remind herself that sometimes. She knew she could find her true strength here so long as she had them by her side.

As the two of them made their way to the Bridge, Rey eyed Poe out of the corner of her eye, trying to get a read on him.

He noticed and grinned after giving her a knowing, sideways glance, "She's not _that_ mad," He assured her with a short laugh, "She's been angrier at me for less… she shot me that one time, remember?"

Rey blinked, "Wait, what?"

His grin widened but he kept looking straight ahead, "Oh yeah, you know, just your typical intergalactic mutiny. A rebellion within the Resistance…" He trailed off and shrugged, like it _wasn't_ the most interesting story Rey had ever heard.

Rey pursed her lips, making a mental note that she'd have to ask him about it again later.

"The situations aren't _exactly_ comparable though…" Poe said thoughtfully, "Maybe that wasn't the best example."

Rey felt herself smile again. She was horrified, yet her friends still managed to calm her nerves.

"That kind of thing doesn't happen often, I take it?"

She shook her head, "Something similar happened once before, with Luke. But it wasn't exactly… the same." She felt her brow furrow, suddenly thinking the moments were a lot more alike now that she had claimed the opposite. Each time, her mind had wandered to a Dark place…

"Good," Poe said with a chuckle, "That's probably gonna take a while to repair."

"Sorry…" She mumbled, "I didn't realize until I saw Finn. I almost…"

Poe looked at her again, but she didn't meet his eyes. "The General mentioned you hadn't been sleeping well," He said carefully, "I know you told Finn you were fine but… are you sure? You don't need to push so hard if it's… Well, we know how tough you are." Poe's voice radiated concern and she felt guilty for making him feel that way, "It's putting me to shame! The General expects me to work as hard as you, you know. It's exhausting." He grinned again, and her chest tightened.

Before she could respond though, the two of them arrived at the bridge, and Poe mouthed her an exaggerated _good luck_ as the door slid up into the ceiling.

The General was alone on the bridge, obviously expecting her. Her face was grave, but Rey couldn't feel any anger coming from her. She stepped in quickly and the door zipped closed behind her, urging her further into the room.

Leia Organa stood up slowly from her seat and approached Rey at an even pace, "When I said I wanted you at your best, I wasn't exactly expecting a good night's rest to damage an entire quarter of my ship," Her eyes were sharp, but her tone was still pleasant, Rey wasn't sure how to respond. At her silence, the General continued, "I feel the Force, too." She said simply, "All around me, every second of the day. But I could never grasp it, not like Luke could. And certainly not like _you_ can." She placed one heavy, wrinkled hand on Rey's shoulder, "But I know enough to understand there's more going on in that head of yours."

Rey wished she could find the right words. She wanted to set Leia's fears to rest and rely on her. But… how was she supposed to explain it? _Oh yeah, I'm obsessing over your son, who also happens to be the Supreme Leader of the First Order, who also killed your lover, and has murdered countless people of your Resistance_. That didn't roll off the tongue very well. It also made her sound insane. Rey knew her fascination with Ben and the pulling sensation of the Dark was wrong. It was horrific, inexcusable, completely unwarranted. But even when she scolded herself for thinking of him and longing for that connection, it didn't change anything. In fact, it probably exacerbated it. Even if she generalized it and tried to explain their Force Connection to Leia, she _still_ sounded wrong. Rey knew it would make her sound like a liability. Like a traitor. And she didn't want anyone to question her allegiances. She _needed_ to stay with the Resistance. If she didn't… she was afraid of where she would find herself.

"I'm sorry," Rey murmured, already feeling guilty as she prepared her half-truth, "It was an accident… I—I was so focused on training, it was like I forgot where I was. I let it run wild…" She shook her head, "I'm sorry." She repeated.

Leia looked at her for long moment. Rey knew she sensed it. The lies that weren't _exactly_ lies, but they felt like it. Regardless, Leia nodded, "From now on, I want you to cut yourself off from the Force on this ship. At least while you're training. You can muck up anything you want when we're on-planet." He eyes sharpened again. Rey quietly thought this is what it would be like to have a mother scolding you for misbehaving. "I can't have you tearing a hole in the hull next time."

Rey nodded, "Alright."

"I want you to take a few days to re-establish yourself. Find your balance. Once you have, I'm going to need you up here." A gentle smile brightened the General's face as she motioned to the room around her. "This is where you belong."

After walking back to her quarters, Rey found herself contemplating Leia's words.

 _Find your balance._

Rey turned her lights off and sat down squarely in the center of her room, closing her eyes.

 _Find your balance._

One thing Luke had ingrained in her head during her time on Ahch-To was meditation. She thought training would help her clear her head, but _obviously_ she'd been wrong. Maybe the key was to start thinking like a Jedi. If Luke Skywalker had been feeling conflicted, he wouldn't have had some insane outburst and ripped metal apart with the Force. _Right…_ She thought, taking a deep breath. He would have meditated, sought his balance, and then focused on what was important.

But… _how_ exactly was she supposed to figure out what balanced her?

Rey let her thoughts flow over her, searching for any feeling that might lead to the serenity she craved.

She thought of Han first. His cocky, uncaring attitude. She had wished she could be like him in certain ways. Strong and unyielding even as someone without a connection to something like the Force. If it hadn't been for Kylo Ren, he'd still be here—

 _Shhh,_ Rey tried to quiet her own thoughts and pushed past him.

Finn came to mind next; he was extraordinary. Kind. Selfless. He abandoned years of training and hate that had been ingrained into him from such a young age. He risked everything because he knew the difference between right and wrong. She wished she could be so certain. But as time went on, Rey found the line between right and wrong blurring, just like the Light and the Dark.

Suddenly, a thought surfaced on the choppy waters of her racing mind—

 _Maybe the line shouldn't be so defined._

She'd spent months separating the two. Pairing the Light with righteousness and the Dark with evil. But maybe there was something in the middle, erasing the line that kept them apart. There had to be somewhere in-between… right? A middle point between the treachery of Kylo Ren and the legend of Luke Skywalker.

When she'd touched Ben's hand in the hovel on Ahch-To, she'd seen something. She saw his future. Bright, solid, and clear. Snoke had told her it had all been a trick to lure her into the First Order's clutches but… maybe that hadn't been entirely true.

Rey's hand twitched, remembering the sensation of his skin on her fingertips.

Maybe she'd misinterpreted the vision itself. She hadn't seen Kylo Ren giving himself over to the Light. She saw _Ben_ , not Kylo. Maybe, in her vision, he was standing on that boundary separating the extremes. There was no way he'd ever turn entirely to the Light, not after everything he'd done. She had been naïve to ever think that was possible. But Rey couldn't shake the feeling that she could pull him out of the darkness, if only a little.

She'd given herself to the First Order just to _really_ see him, after all. She had thought the right answer was the Light but maybe the right answer was tucked between the stark, everchanging boundaries of good and evil. Of Light and Dark.

 _Darkness rises, and Light to meet it._

"Find… your balance…" Rey whispered, finally feeling the rigid waters still into a clear, glass-like surface.

If Kylo Ren represented the Darkness, Rey knew she must represent the Light.

 _That_ was her balance. _He_ was her balance.

And she was his.

"How long are you going to sit there like that?"

Rey gasped and ripped her eyes open only to be caught in the predatory gaze of the man she'd shamelessly been longing to see.

Instinct told her to back away, retreat, _run_. But she stayed firmly in place.

"Ben…" She whispered, barely believing what she saw before her own eyes.

He looked no different than the last time she'd seen him, before she shut the door of the Falcon in his face… His sable hair had grown even shaggier and now it brushed against his shoulders, still framing his pale face in a way that made Rey want to pull it back, out his eyes. He was still sheathed in black from head to toe but the robes were longer and crisp, signifying his new status, she assumed. The scar over his right cheek had faded quite a bit but it was as prominent as ever against his sharp features.

His dark eyebrows narrowed when she spoke his old name. She didn't bother to correct herself this time.

He eyed her suspiciously before speaking again, "Did you do this?"

"No." She answered. He knew as well as she did that their connection was beyond their control. She thought she saw his eyes soften for a heartbeat before returning to their dark, steely veil.

He was silent again. This time for a lot longer. She could feel the anger radiating from him, all of it directed at her, but his face gave nothing away. She wondered how he really felt under his mask of rage. He'd never tell her, though. She knew that.

He crossed his arms and leaned against something invisible to Rey before opening his mouth again, "You're tired," He said nonchalantly, "Are your precious _friends_ working you into the grave, now? _Last Jedi_?" The venom was heavy in his voice, masking any other inflection she might have heard.

She raised an eyebrow at him, surprised that silly title had made its way into the First Order's ears already.

"Although I suppose Jedi wield a lightsaber, don't they?"

She tried to keep her face steady. He was _taunting_ her, trying to get some kind of reaction he could use to his advantage. They hadn't seen each other in almost a year and instead of yelling or screaming, he had decided to use their precious time like this. "Am I supposed to call you Supreme Leader now?" She asked blandly, "You didn't like that I called you Ben."

She saw his shoulders tense again when she said his name. He opened his mouth, lips curling into a sneer, "I suspect you'll keep calling me by a dead man's name until the day I destroy you and your Resistance."

"Is that your new plan?" She prodded, "To hunt me down like a—"

"It's _always_ been the plan." He growled. She felt the lie as it left his lips.

"Did you see it?" Rey murmured suddenly, remembering the way her dream had morphed from her fantasy into his.

He faltered, she caught it before he corrected himself, "See what?"

She ignored him and pressed harder, "I took your hand, you showed me what it would have been like. And you regretted it." She rose to her feet and took a step toward him. "You said you took my Light from me. It was tearing you apart, you _regretted_ it—"

"What do _you_ know of regret?" Ren muttered, acutely aware of how close she'd gotten.

"Nothing."

A wild range of emotions flashed across his face, she felt each one like a knife in her side. Betrayal, envy, relentless longing, and finally, the familiar rush of his unfiltered anger. She took another step toward him and his nostrils flared but he made no effort to move away.

"Aren't you just _perfect_?" He scoffed, standing up straight, pushing himself off the invisible wall behind him, closing the slight distance between them with one long stride, "Don't pretend you don't feel it."

Rey's breath caught in her throat and she found herself glaring up at his looming face.

"I know you do. It wakes me up almost every night—your infatuation with the Dark. Every night you wonder about the forbidden power, the answers it might hold. You can't deny it. I feel it too." His eyes were burning into her, he could see past her face, straight into her head, just like she could see into his. "You think no one can see it, don't you? They _all_ see it. They'll turn on you, Rey. All of them. Their fear always gets the best of them. You'll be alone again."

She felt her jaw tighten and anger boiled in her chest, "I'm _not_ alone."

A hint of a smile lifted the left corner of his mouth, "No… I guess you're not."

Conflict rose, slowly at first, and then all at once in the pit of Rey's stomach. He believed every word he said. He thought her friends would turn on her, shun her, betray her the way Luke had betrayed him. He believed it like it was the one truth left in the universe and he was trying to prepare her for it. In his twisted way of thinking, he thought he was _helping_ her. Rey didn't know how to feel about this revelation. It was wrong. How could he always be so wrong? Still… no matter _how_ wrong he was, she felt the slightest bit of comfort at the idea that, if by some sick twist of fate, he _wasn't_ wrong _…_ she wouldn't be alone. He would be there to pick up the pieces and put her back together, but in his image. Into the image of a sad, lonely child parading around with almost limitless power. Ruling the galaxy. Calling himself _Supreme Leader_.

Finally, Rey's fragile resolve began to crumble.

He seemed to sense it and reached out to her. His gloved hand hovering just under her jaw.

Rey wanted _so_ desperately for him to touch her. While simultaneously wishing he would just disappear and go back to whatever Star Destroyer he was currently lurking around on. Each emotion pulled her in the opposite direction, and before she could decide which one would win out, she felt him.

He ran his gloved finger gently along her face, grazing her skin just below her ear and down her jaw, stopping just under her chin.

Wide-eyed, Rey lifted her eyes to peer into his face, but his gaze didn't match hers. His brows were knit tightly together, focused solely on his own hand as it moved down her face, like he was trying to make sure she was real.

Her breath caught in her throat when his piercing eyes finally lifted to hers—they were so dark, almost black. But as they drilled into her, she swore she saw Light buried deep within.

 _"I'm here."_

 _"No, Rey. I only wish you were."_

There was barely any space between them now. Somehow Rey could feel _everything._ She felt his hand, pulling her closer and she heard his heartbeat mimicking her own. It was like he'd opened the floodgates of his mind, letting her see and feel everything he'd ever locked away. She felt heavy and hazy and tears stung in the corners of her eyes when she realized _this_ was how he felt every second of every day. She wanted to fall into him and carry the burden, so he wouldn't have to do it alone anymore. She could barely stand it. _How_ did he manage to walk around each day with that weight on his shoulders? How was able to stand there and pretend to be so confident? Her eyes fluttered closed and she resigned herself to whatever fate this would bring—

Right now, she didn't care about the Light or the Dark.

Suddenly, his lips grazed against her own ever so slightly. Like he was testing the waters, making sure it was what he wanted.

Rey gasped. The tingling electricity burned her skin. She wanted him to feel what she felt in that moment; she was almost sure she could. "Ben…" She breathed, almost embarrassed at the sound of her own voice.

Then he came crashing down on her, catching her lips between his own. Every movement was urgent, she could taste the yearning that matched her own. But at the same time, he was afraid. Afraid of what this meant, whatever it was. Afraid that she'd disappear any second. As if to keep her there, Ben snaked his arms around her. One hand crushing against the back of her neck, the other firmly hooked around her waist. She felt his fingertips pressing into her skin like flames, searing her flesh through the fabric of her tunic. It was _hungry_ , almost threatening, the way he tasted her with his tongue. Rey couldn't help but respond automatically, pushing back against him, battling for dominance in a fight she knew she couldn't win.

Rey reached up frantically, tying her arms around his neck. Her fingers found his hair and tangled themselves in it— nothing could have prepared her for how soft it was.

She felt his tongue trailing along her bottom teeth, searching for something, memorizing everything. He was taking it, all of her, all at once. Swallowing her Light, letting it fill him to the core. Stealing her fears, the conflict in her heart, shoving away the Dark while simultaneously grasping onto it with each ragged breath.

 _Find your balance._

No… no, this wasn't right— she wanted to help _him_. She was supposed to be drowning _his_ sorrows, carrying his burden. How had the tide turned without her realizing it? Even with the storm Ben held in his head and the constant blaze of anger in his heart, he somehow found the strength to console _her_. He thought she needed to be comforted. He felt her turmoil and her plight, and he sought to take it from her, leaving only Light in its wake.

 _You were right to leave me._

His words echoed through her skull, the same ones she'd heard in their dream the night before. But they were heavier now, passing directly from his fervent kiss into the steaming waters of her mind.

 _But I don't care._

* * *

 _A/N: I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter… I think I'm going to explore Kylo in one of these chapters... eventually. Gimme all the angst._

 _Also, I know Rey is inherently_ good _, she represents Light. But I love the idea of her struggling with the thought process and the pull of the Dark side. Plus, it's fun to write._

 _Review?_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Okay. So, my goal is to update at leeeast every other day. But I'm a procrastinator and prone to serious writer's block so for now I'm just going to write my heart out and get as much done as I can while my brain is still working. If I keep up with it, I'll always be one chapter ahead of what I publish…  
Here we go._

* * *

 _Three:_

Their connection broke faster than it had formed and Kylo Ren found himself frozen and alone. He still felt her _everywhere_ , her fingers tugging at the ends of his hair, the weight of her melting into his arms. He could still feel the way her nose brushed against his every time her head tilted and she pushed herself harder against him.

Finally, his hands fell to his sides and he found himself staring blankly into the empty space in front of him where Rey had been.

When she'd first appeared in front of him, she had been sitting with her legs crossed, her brow furrowed in fierce concentration, meditating. He almost scoffed. _Meditating_ , with her face contorted like that, her cheeks flushed a delicate pink, her florid lips parted and chest heaving like she'd just surfaced for air. Not even a hint of subtlety. No finesse. He'd watched her for a long time before he let his impatience get the best of him and he spoke. He regretted that now. Maybe if he hadn't waiting so long, he could have had her like she was— vulnerable, greedy—just a little longer.

Ren had wanted her to back away from him, maybe scream, show the fear she _should_ have been feeling. Somehow, he knew she wouldn't, though. She seemed to make a point of defying his wishes. She wasn't afraid of him, she never had been. The thought irked him slightly—if she just acted like everyone else maybe he wouldn't have been forced into this unconventional connection with her.

An involuntary tremor buzzed through his hands at the thought and he clenched his fists. He hated it, but he _needed_ it, like the air he was breathing. He needed her. If their link every really died, he'd fly through the vacuum of space, take another lightsaber to his flesh, destroy anything that dared to stand in his way, to find it again. He felt himself reaching for the scar she'd given him and stopped.

 _No,_ he thought suddenly. That wasn't even enough.

He'd do any of that, at any moment, just to _find_ her again. But if he could no longer feel her scratching at the back of his brain…

Shaking his head, Ren resorted to pacing around his room and fuming. He had no outlet for his anger, so he turned it to Rey, with only the slightest bit of guilt surfacing in his chest.

 _"I took your hand, you showed me what it would have been like. And you regretted it."_

That's what she'd said.

He practically snorted. She thought she knew _everything_ , because of their childish fantasies playing out in dreams? It was idiotic. Dreams meant _nothing_ , there was no fantasy to escape to. There was nothing in this world that could drown out the cruelty of truth. He knew she couldn't see the big picture, all she cared about was the Resistance and the fools that it was made up of. She was one of them, now. He crushed the grief that rose within him as he thought that.

The reality was so much more complicated than that.

She needed to understand. He had to make her understand.

The past was _poison_. It had to die. It was an ugly, confusing, wretched thing. All it held was pain and betrayal. _Weakness_.

All he wanted was for her to join him. Together, they would have been unstoppable. Together they could have done anything, the entire universe would have been at their mercy. They could have crushed the First Order and the Resistance—the Sith and the Jedi, the Light and the Dark. They could have killed it. All of it. Together.

Ren felt the Force raging within him, grabbing onto his anger, roaring, searching for chaos…

He pushed it aside, with more effort than he cared to admit, and scowled.

He didn't _want_ it. Things were supposed to be different now. He'd gotten rid of his real enemy. Snoke was dead. His father was dead. He'd done it. He stood miles above everyone else now.

 _But it wasn't enough._

He sighed as images of Rey darted under his eyelids. He was _the_ Supreme Leader. Yet somehow, he couldn't seem to climb above _her_. Even with all his strength he couldn't even come close to her—how was that even possible? She came from nothing. She was raised as nothing. But she stood proud and defiant, throwing aside ties that _should_ , by all accounts, make her nobody. He craved that freedom as much as he despised it, despised her. She was everything he wasn't and everything he had wished he could be… But that was a long time ago.

As soon as Ren thought he'd fought his way onto the correct path, another obstacle formed and blocked his way. Was that all his life was destined to be? A cruel, never-ending joke? Determined to pull him under the tide, threatening to drown him in the bile of the his past and the blinding uncertainty of his future?

For months, after he'd cut down Snoke and crushed the rebels on Crait, Ren had told himself he finally had what he wanted. He had insisted that Rey was just an afterthought even though he could constantly feel her lingering in the back of his mind, picking away at him like virus, poisoning him with hope. He resigned himself to hunting down the Resistance and told himself, _constantly_ , that he wasn't doing it just to have her within his grasp again. But he knew better, even if the First Order didn't. If he could get rid of the vermin, she'd have nothing keeping her from joining him. She would come to him. He'd seen her future, just as she claimed to have seen his. She could deny it all she wanted, but he knew, eventually, she would return.

Ren thought he might have had enough patience to wait for it, maybe even rid her of her ties that inconvenienced him in the meantime, but after today…

He let himself drift back into their connection—her skin was hot to the touch, she was begging him to reach out, to touch her, _take_ her. Her thoughts had hit him harder than he thought possible even through something as strong as the Force. For some reason, he knew he needed to give her what she wanted. _For some reason?_ He glowered at himself. No. He needed it too. And he wanted to stay in that horribly warm moment forever, drinking it all in. Her Light was blinding, and he was drawn to it like an unsuspecting moth to the flame. He wanted all of it, he wanted her to drown him with it…

He was tired of waiting.

Ren turned on his heels and left his chambers, making his way to the nearest elevator of _The_ _Finalizer_. He ignored every rigid nod of the officers he passed and stormed down the halls with a renewed motivation. It was convenient, the way they all edged away from him, standing against the walls at attention as he walked by. The troopers and officers had always done that before, but now that he wore the title of Supreme Leader, they acted with vigor. That was to be expected, of course. Snoke never roamed the halls or saw to any of his own plans personally. He relied on General Hux and Ren to carry out his orders.

It was almost pathetic, actually. The way they all cowered.

As Kylo Ren neared the bridge, he was acutely aware of how many eyes were actually on him. Not downcast toward the floor, afraid he might pull out his saber and rip them apart for giving him the wrong look. It was… unsettling. The closer he got to bridge, the more high-ranking officers he passed, each one of them eyeing him more warily than the next. Some even met his eyes. That was new.

Armitage Hux stood with his back to Ren as he entered the room, his hands folded neatly behind him in the small of his back. He was standing taller than usual. Prouder. His shoulders were pushed back, emitting false, misplaced confidence. His stiff, gelled hair was combed back neatly, just as obnoxiously bright and red as usual. Ren eyed him as he approached, and the General spoke to him before turning around.

"Ah, Supreme Leader," His nasally voice ground at Ren's nerves, "To what do we owe this pleasure?"

Ren stood over him, taking note at his diminishing submission. He didn't draw back the way he used to. Even his words smelled suspicious. "Any news of the rebels?" He asked, making a point to ignore Hux's question.

The General visibly bristled but answered in his usual, proper tone, "This morning we received reports of an unidentified vessel, large enough to house the rebels' steadily growing numbers," He sneered out through the window. Ren wasn't sure where the man's disdain was directed. "The signal came from the Outer Rim, just outside of filthy planet called Florrum. I've already sent a small fleet to investigate… but the rats are proving elusive—"

"Take me there." Ren interjected. "I'll see to the situation personally."

Hux opened his mouth to respond but pressed his lips back into a thin line after meeting Ren's eyes. "At once, Supreme Leader."

Ren doubted the Resistance would even fly anywhere near Florrum. It was filled with criminals and thugs, like themselves, but they'd probably think themselves above them.

Actually… now that Ren thought about it, Florrum might actually be one of the _best_ places for the Resistance to hide behind. It was well off the beaten path and far away from any of the typical hyperspace routes.

Regardless, it was a lead, and they hadn't had one in weeks now. Ever since their escape from Crait, they _had_ proved to be very elusive, as Hux had said. Initially, that probably could have been summed up by their nearly nonexistent numbers at the time. But over the past 9 months, every bit of intelligence the First Order received had to do with their sudden expansion in renewed popularity. It was like they exploded; they went from less than 50 remaining souls escaping Crait to thousands in an incredibly short amount of time. Ren assumed it had to do with the Snoke's death and _The Jedi Killer_ picking up the mantle.

Their numbers didn't matter, though. Not really. Thousands compared to the First Order was nothing. What made them dangerous was their ideals, their hope, and their _Last Jedi_.

Ren stopped. _Rey? Dangerous?_ Had he really just thought that? Maybe when she still had her lightsaber she would have stood a chance but now? It was a frivolous title for a child. Not a danger.

And aside from that, when had the First Orders problems really posed any sort of real danger to him? Ren was indifferent, for the most part, about their ideals and tactics. They were a means to end, a tool, and when Ren got his hands on what he truly wanted, he wouldn't have a use for them anyway. Just another useless remnant of a past, longing to be forgotten.

He placed his gloved hands firmly against the railing along the wide observation window of the bridge, letting his mind run wild with the thought that the Resistance _might_ actually be near Florrum.

Resistance meant Rey. Rey meant… _something._

No matter how small the lead, he had to take it. He'd never be satisfied until he did.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ren saw the General's beady ones glowering up at him. Perhaps it was because Ren hadn't been to the bridge in a long while, unable to see the point if the First Order hadn't surfaced any leads, but Hux seemed different. In fact, everything felt different. He couldn't put his finger on it, but in many ways, he didn't especially care. It perplexed him. He was aware of it and yet completely prepared to ignore it. He didn't have time to deal with that.

His new path was beckoning him.

He _would_ find Rey.

* * *

 _A/N: this was definitely shorter than I anticipated but I'm already working the next chapter. I'm sorry this was later than I meant it to be, I went to see TLJ again and completely forgot this was just sitting in the doc manager, waiting for editing… anyway, thanks for reading!_

 _Review?_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: thanks for all the reviews and follows, you guys! It's definitely motivating and It hypes me up to see so many people who love this ship._

* * *

 _Four:_

Rey had to stop herself from jumping up and down with excitement as the transport pulled out of the hangar and began its descent to the planet below. It had been ages since she'd left the ship itself, and even longer since she had gotten the chance to stretch her legs on _actual_ ground.

Sure, the planet below wasn't exactly ideal. The General had warned her that Florrum was a dangerous place, filled to the brim with criminals from all over the known galaxies. And that any one of them would sell the Resistance out to the First Order in a second if they thought it could get them credits or amnesty. Under no circumstances was she to reveal her allegiance, no matter what situation might arise down on the surface… but she doubted anything would come of it, she had to be back to the main ship in a few hours, anyway.

Besides…

Rey watched the heat of the atmosphere around the windows as her transport made its descent and squeezed her quarterstaff tightly between her hands.

 _There's something down there._

As soon as her connection to Ben had faded she had felt… something. Like a ripple, drawing her attention down to the planet, distracting her from the kiss she'd shared with him. She had a hard time figuring out how to interpret the Force and the emotions that came with it, but somehow, she knew the feeling coming from Florrum wasn't dangerous. Regardless, she hadn't told anyone about it. It was hard to put into words, even in her own mind. It just felt like intuition. Like, if she went down there, she'd find something she needed.

Rey had wanted to ask Finn or Poe to come with her to the surface, but Leia had insisted Poe stay on the bridge and she couldn't find Finn for the life of her. She assumed he was blow decks somewhere with Rose, gushing enthusiastically about the ship's engines and how they related to what he knew about the engineering and their capabilities compared to those of the First Order. Whenever she couldn't find him, he always ended up being with Rose in the end. It brought a smile to her face and, at the same time, a loneliness she couldn't quite grasp.

"I've made it to the surface!" Rey said enthusiastically as the transport made contact with the sandy desert of Florrum.

 _"No weird Jedi stuff down there,"_ Poe said with a laugh, through the communicator, _"Stay under the radar and get back here in once piece."_

Rey rolled her eyes but smiled, "You got it, flyboy." She stuffed the device back in her pocket and jumped to her feet, unable to contain her excitement anymore.

The door opened slowly, and Rey jumped down into the sand before the ramp extended, half-running into the arid, desert air. The sun beat down on her face and she closed her eyes with a satisfied smile and stretched her legs. The air made its way through the dense buildings surrounding her and lifted her hair from the back of her neck. Fresh air. Well, _mostly_ fresh, if she ignored the stench of junk piling up in the alleyways and the animals roaming the streets. It calmed her just the same. She was grateful for the wind and the sun, even the bustling junkers around her. It should have reminded her of Jakku, her abandonment, and the days she had spent alone, endlessly waiting for someone who would never come, but…

All Rey could feel was the pull of the force, luring her into the town and whatever secret it held within.

The streets were dirty and every face, human or otherwise, was masked in the same downtrodden expression, making Rey pull back her enthusiasm. She had to remind herself it wasn't a vacation, just a detour. One that had been graciously given to her while the Resistance decided where they would be heading next. And she had a job to do, even if she wasn't exactly sure what that job was yet.

Rey walked absentmindedly through the barely paved streets, trying to feel what she had felt back on the ship, eventually ending up in a dark, crowded marketplace of sorts, full of the same shady characters she'd seen in the outskirts. No one was looking at her, though, at least for now. In fact, it almost felt like she was moving too effortlessly through the crowd, as if no one could see her at all.

Just as Rey was about to reach out and make sure it was real, a hoarse voice made it through the commotion, "You there, pretty girl."

She whipped her head around to the market stall behind her, filled with shimmering jewels and trinkets probably worth more than any number of credits she'd ever held… which, if she was being honest, was barely any at all. There was a woman there, eyes hidden under the heavy hood of her cloak, standing at least a head taller than Rey. She felt the ripple again as her eyes grazed over the gold and crystals. _There's something…_ She gripped her staff tighter in her hand. What was this feeling?

"Every pretty girl needs a pretty rope for her neck," The woman croaked. A smile lifted her crackling lips and she held out a gaudy, silver necklace, running her pale purple fingers down the twisted, braided tendrils of metal.

Rey felt her nose wrinkle at the jewelry, "I don't wear jewelry," She said finally, her eyes falling back down to a basket of cloudy, colorful crystals.

"No?" The woman cackled, "Then what do _you_ wear?" She pawed through some more of her wares and then gasped, as if she'd just found the perfect thing. Rey ripped her eyes away from the basket to look at whatever ridiculous piece the woman would insist on showing her next, but her hands were empty, and she crept closer.

Rey could see the faint, yellow glow of her eyes under the hood and swallowed hard. There was something wrong; her legs screamed at her to turn and walk away, maybe even run, but she ignored it. _There's something here_ , she thought again, _I can feel it._ No, she couldn't leave yet.

"Maybe something… _here_?" She woman's hand brushed against her belt and she looped a finger around the leather.

Rey's eyes narrowed, "Who are you?"

"No one," She said quietly, craning her neck so her next words would only reach Rey's ears, "Certainly no one that should concern a _Jedi_."

Rey felt her breath catch in her throat and her body stiffen—she'd thought Florrum would be safe from the First Order propaganda. Even Leia seemed certain enough they were far enough away from the lies and bounties to let her venture down there. And she certainly hadn't seen her own face plastered up on any of the wanted posters scattered throughout the town. She reached towards the communicator tucked away in her pocket, slowly. If she could reach Poe, she could warn them…

The woman released her belt and stepped back, shaking her head, "That won't be necessary, girl. I was hoping someone like you might come one day."

Rey stopped, peering into the woman's shadowed face, "What do you mean?"

She turned and reached into the basket Rey had been eyeing, digging around until she seemed to find what she was looking for. Then, wordlessly, grabbed Rey's hand and placed one into her palm, closing her fingers around it delicately. "Someone _like you_ ," She whispered, "Someone who might need that one day." The woman nodded to Rey's hand, enclosed over the crystal.

Suddenly Rey could feel it, the Force, blossoming around her. Filing her up with purpose and Light. Emanating from the stone the strange woman had put in her palm. She ached to extend her fingers and look at it but instead she squeezed tighter. This was it, whatever it was. The thing that called her here. All the suspicion she held fell away as she gazed back into the woman's smiling face. "I don't understand." She shook her head, "Why are you giving this to me?"

" _Why_?" She laughed so hard she practically snorted, "What am I going to do with it, hmm? I am not like you."

Rey opened her mouth, thirsting for answers to any of the hundred questions in her mind, but a loud crack of thunder reverberated through the air and echoed loudly around them, effectively cutting her off.

She knew that sound. It filled her with a familiar, unrelenting dread. She knew what it was before she raised her eyes to the clear sky with the rest of the residents of Florrum.

One large, looming ship stood out against the horizon, begging to be seen and feared.

Rey's heart sank; that wasn't just _any_ First Order ship. A Resurgent-class Star Destroyer could only mean two things, neither option was better than the other. Either the First Order had found the Resistance… _Or,_ Kylo Ren had found the Resistance.

 _And me_. Rey thought as she glared up into the sky.

"That's just wonderful," The woman grumbled from behind Rey, tearing her eyes back to the merchant and back into reality, "I'd run back to your ship now if I were you, Jedi."

"I…" Rey squeezed the crystal tighter in her hand and nodded, "Thank you."

And then she was running; back through the stalls, down the long streets, pushing past everyone in her way. With a huff, Rey grabbed the communicator from her pocket just as Poe radioed in.

 _"Rey, that's the_ Harbinger _! Get back here. Now!"_ She could hear the disarray behind him and pushed her legs faster.

"I'm running!" She yelled back, dodging a group of scattering Weequay. She knew Poe wouldn't say it, but the transport was slow. Even if she were already on board, headed into space, it was _too slow_. And the _Harbinger_ had to have spotted them by now.

Another crash rang through the sky and Rey tried, unsuccessfully, to swallow the fear she felt as Ben's presence in her mind flashed from cloudy to clear in an instant. She could feel him. He was here. All she could do was run faster. _They have to go_ … Rey thought quietly, pushing her legs harder. _They have to leave._

The Resistance had certainly grown over the past few months, but they couldn't risk losing their mothership, Leia, or anyone on board just because they were waiting for her. The rest of their fleet was sitting comfortably back at their base, they didn't have enough power to face _two_ Star Destroyers right now. The risk was just too high.

It wasn't until a third bang reverberated through the sky, shaking the sand under her feet, that she raised the communicator back to her lips, "Poe!" She yelled between breaths, "Now, you _need_ to go now!"

 _"Don't be an idiot!"_ He yelled back, barely audible over the shouts and alarms behind him, _"We can't leave you down there!"_

Rey couldn't shake the guilt she felt piling up on her shoulders. If she hadn't insisted on going to Florrum they wouldn't even be hesitating. As soon as the first ship had made its way into the air space, they could have jumped back to lightspeed, evading them before they had a chance to attack. But now…

 _"…Fighters incoming!"_ A voice crackled through the speaker and Rey screamed, wishing her legs would go faster. She was still too far, how could she have done this to them? _"Rey,"_ Poe's voice had grown dire, _"Hurry."_

"Go!" She yelled, louder this time, "They won't know… I'm down here!" Her lungs burned, she turned down a thin alleyway and jumped over a man slumped against the bricks, "I'll be… fine!" She was begging them now, between ragged breaths. She was almost halfway back to the transport.

 _"I already told you, that's_ not _happening!"_

"Then let me… talk to… the General!" Rey roared into the microphone, anger and fear battled for dominance in her mind, settling on a chest clenching mixture of both that made her want to vomit.

 _"No, no way! We are not leaving you down—hey!"_ Poe protested and the comms rustled for a moment before another voice spoke to her.

 _"Rey, how close are you to the transport?"_ General Organa's voice was calm and clear, drowning out Poe's dissent.

"Not… close enough!" She huffed, tripping over the sand that flew around her feet as she raced on, " _He's_ up there…" Rey pressed, "I can feel it… you have to… go!" If anyone would see reason, it was Leia. She knew her son. She knew what that meant for the Resistance. She wouldn't let it go to waste just because Rey had decided to venture off on her own. It had to be Rey that paid for the mistake, not the whole Resistance.

After a silent moment of contemplation, Leia spoke again, _"You're positive?"_

"Yes!" Rey cried, lifting herself from the burning sand and pressing forward again.

 _"Prepare for the jump to lightspeed,"_ Leia sounded off on the other end.

 _"What? Hey, hey, hey, no! We can't leave Rey down there! General!"_ There was Poe again, fighting for her, even though he knew what the right decision was.

Rey felt her feet slow as relief finally made its way into her tightening chest, lifting the weight off her shoulders slightly.

 _"Rey,"_ Leia said quietly, Rey could barely hear her over Poe's continuing objections, _"Stay safe. Stay hidden. We'll come back for you."_

Flashes of a ship, leaving her young and alone, _all alone_ , in the Jakku desert played under Rey's eyelids. She pushed them away the best she could as she finally skidded to a stop, grateful for the dry breeze that blew against her sweating face, "I know." She answered, squeezing the crystal in her hand tightly, gasping for breath, "I know."

The speaker cut out and Rey dropped to her knees, letting the sand scorch her skin.

It was better that she'd come alone. She was suddenly happy she hadn't been able to find Finn, otherwise he'd have been stuck in this mess with her.

Rey looked up at the sky as the first, the _Harbinger_ , warped away, leaving only a smudge in it's wake. Another followed soon after, and Rey waited with batted breath for the last one to disappear and join in on the chase… but it stayed squarely in the sky, looming over her like a tidal wave.

 _Right…_ she thought, her stomach sinking to her knees. If she'd felt Ben, he must have felt her too. And when that feeling didn't disappear with the Resistance ship, he must have assumed she was down on Florrum. It was the only place she could be. That meant… he'd be coming down to the surface himself. He wouldn't send just anyone to retrieve her.

She sighed and lifted her hand, finally peering down into the crystal the woman had given her.

It was bright, and completely clear, almost like glass. It was larger than the other crystals Rey had seen in the basket but still small enough to fit snuggly in her palm. But somehow it felt… empty?

Rey closed her eyes and ran her fingers along its sharp edge, wincing as it nicked her skin. She opened her eyes again to stare as a bead of crimson rolled along the surface.

She felt _something_ from it, like it was drawing the energy from the Force around it, radiating the Light she felt inside of her… It was like she could feel herself at it's core, like she was holding _herself_ in the palm of her hand. Everything she'd ever experienced that brought her joy- meeting Finn and leaving Jakku, racing through space with Han Solo and Chewbacca. The first time she'd grabbed hold of the Force during her fight with Kylo Ren. Training with Luke Skywalker on Ahch-To, touching Ben's hand in that shack and then fighting with him, side by side, as one. The kiss... And at the same time, all the things that had ever brought her pain-her parents selling her off on Jakku, Kylo Ren driving his lightsaber through his father's heart. That mirror, on Ahch-To, showing her how alone she really was. Ben's betrayal, his madness, her innate longing for him... She felt it, all of it, in the palm of her hand.

 _Radiating the Light_ …

 _And reaching for the Dark._

Just like she was.

* * *

 _A/N: I had a rough start with this one, I wasn't sure how I wanted to incorporate the crystal, buuuut, you know, a Jedi needs a lightsaber! (And I don't think Rey would be able to just_ make _one, like Luke did).  
Anyway, thanks for reading!  
Review?_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Sorry, I know I'm late! My husband and I were driving home for the holidays, and I thought I'd be able to finish, edit, and post the chapter on the road from my phone... But I forgot how carsick I get. And I ended up sleeping for almost the entire ten hour drive. Bleh._

* * *

 _Five:_

Rey had wandered as far into the desert as she dared without any water or food, until she found a dusty, old shack. The roof was half caved in and the majority of the structure was buried in the sand, but it was deserted. And that's what she needed. She knew Ben would be coming for her and there was no way she could slip off planet in the transport with its limited fuel and the _Finalizer_ glaring down on her. She'd debated taking it to the other side of Florrum, or even just a few more miles away from the town she'd arrived at, but a ship was a target. And she needed to save that fuel for getting back to the Resistance once the First Order cleared out… whenever that might be.

Rey sighed and pulled her knees to her chest, grateful for the shade from the blistering sun.

It was strange, being alone again, in a little hovel in the middle of a desert. Florrum hadn't reminded of her Jakku at all when she'd arrived. In fact, she'd been _excited_ to be there.

 _Because of this… thing._

Rey looked down at the crystal; it was still in her hand. She couldn't find the strength to stuff it in her pocket or set it beside her on the sandy floor. She was afraid if she let go of it, it would disappear. Whatever it was…

She sighed again, glaring at it. _This_ thing was the reason she was stuck here, it had reached out to her, lured her in with fleeting thoughts promising an answer. But as far as she could tell, it was just a crystal. It looked like one, it felt like any small rock would in her hand but… it wasn't _just_ a crystal. She felt the weight of the world in it, a wisdom, tantalizing balance, but she wasn't sure why. Luke had never mentioned anything about weird Force crystals before, and the books she'd taken from the temple on Ahch-To didn't mention anything like that. Really, they didn't mention anything at all that seemed like it could teach her anything. Some sacred Jedi texts, they were. Spouting lines about freeing yourself from emotion and feeling to secure peace and balance in the world. How would that really bring about balance? Wouldn't freeing yourself from those things make you… detached? How could you free yourself of everything that makes you _care_ and call yourself balanced?

Rey twirled the crystal between her fingers thoughtfully, pursing her lips at her own thoughts as they raced through her mind. She knew Luke would reprimand her for thinking those things whether or not he truly believed in them. The Jedi really seemed to love their rules.

Finally, Rey found the will to place the crystal in her pocket. Worrying about losing it would be the least of her problems if the First Order found her. If Ben found her. Or Kylo Ren, if that's who he was parading around as today.

She crawled over to the broken window and peered out into the sky. It was still up there, obnoxiously large, waiting. The _Finalizer_. She wondered if Ben was still up there or if he was going door to door in that market town, lightsaber as the ready, cutting down anyone he thought might be hiding her or the Resistance. She frowned at the thought. She hoped not… but with him, nothing was certain. It all depended on what mood he was in.

Absentmindedly, Rey ran her fingers across her bottom lip, remembering the moment they'd shared. The way he kept grabbing at her, pulling her tighter, afraid she might disappear back to the other edge of the galaxy. The way he inhaled, pulling his lips away just long enough to gasp for breath before attacking her again. The way he absorbed her Light, grabbing at the warmth before it faded into nothing, breathing it in like the oxygen his body craved… she flushed, and shook her head. It was wrong to expect _that_ Ben here, especially in the company of the First Order.

He would be Kylo Ren if he found her. Her whole body ached, and she rested her chin on the windowsill with that thought.

She needed to prepare herself for that reality.

And for whatever he might have planned for her.

She was an asset to the Resistance, a Force user, and a threat to the First Order's goals. Even though he'd urged her to join him before, she wondered if he'd really be able to do the same thing again. More than likely, she'd be thrown in a cell, and Ren would try to rip into her mind like he had the first time they'd met. For information about the Resistance and Luke.

 _He can try._ She growled, surprised by her own ferocity.

The sun began falling slowly, dipping below the horizon and Rey leaned carefully into the dune that had forced it's way into her hideout. Hours had passed but she hadn't heard anything at all, no ships flying over, no commotion from the far off town. Nothing except the wind. She'd taken comfort in it at first, but as time crept forward, it had become terribly unsettling. The Star Destroyer in the sky had kept it's course against the rotation of Florrum, and stayed fixed in the same place behind the clouds even as night fell. They had to know she was here, or at least Ben did… or maybe they were just waiting to see if the Resistance would return.

Rey crossed her arms, frustration rising in her gut. How had he not found her yet? He felt her, too, right?

Rey stopped herself— _I actually am crazy…_ she thought, unable to deny that shred of disappointment she felt. She didn't want to be found by the First Order, but some part of her _wanted_ Ben to find her. _What is wrong with me?_ She kept separating the two of them, like they weren't inherently the same. But Ben— _Kylo Ren_ — was the Supreme Leader, he led an army, and she was an obstacle in their way. Their enemy. He was the enemy too, and not just because of the title. He'd done so many horrific, monstrous things. She should hate him. She knew she should. But she couldn't. And she knew it was wrong, especially as the pull of the Dark grew stronger each and every day. Even if Ben wanted to offer Rey his hand again, _could_ he?

 _It doesn't matter,_ she scolded herself, _I wouldn't…_

She reached into her pocket and ran her thumb, gently this time, over the crystal, closing her eyes.

Slowly, carefully, she reached out. Towards the Light inside her. She noted, with a twinge of fear, that it was dimmer than she remembered it. But she pressed on, regardless. Letting the Force wash over her like the cool, salty waves of the ocean, like the hot, arid winds in this desert. Refreshing, suffocating, compassionate, _lonely_.

She felt her brow furrow as she reached further. She could feel familiar footsteps echoing through the sand, miles away, reverberating through the unevenly paved streets she'd ran through earlier. She felt pure, unreserved fear. Hatred. Awe. All of it, radiating through the air, surrounding the dark figure lurking through their streets.

He _was_ here. Searching.

Rey felt her arms shake as she fought the urge to reach out into the energy surrounding him. Resisting it, resisting him, was like she was forcing herself deeper into the murky depths of the ocean even though she was already inhaling water, choking, drowning...

 _Just… a little—_ Rey felt herself falter; she grazed him, only slightly, her longing for him overwhelming her desire to stay hidden.

He felt it.

Rey gasped and pulled herself out of the Force and jumped to her feet.

"No, no, _idiot_!" She breathed, glancing out the window for a brief moment and shoving her crystal back into the pocket. After she grabbed her quarterstaff, she was back out in the desert, sprinting again. It wouldn't matter, he'd certainly have a ship and would probably be approaching her at any moment. Still, the idea of making it easy for him set her teeth on edge. He would find her, she knew that was inevitable now. But she didn't have to get down on her knees and surrender. Her thoughts drifted for a moment to the crystal she felt pressed into her skin, through the thin fabric of her leggings. When she was captured, they'd definitely take everything she had in her possession—a fierce, sweltering anger rose in her chest at the thought— and then _he'd_ have it. She may not know what it was, but something deep inside her knew Kylo Ren couldn't know about it. She debated swallowing it, for a moment, and shook her head. Her throat was drier than the air she was gasping into her lungs, even if she wanted to, there was no way she could get it down.

The familiar whirring of an approaching ship pushed Rey's legs faster. She could feel him closing in on her. A terrible, guilty smile threatened to lift her lips when she imagined him emerging from the space craft, and she pushed it away with an angry cry.

There was something wrong with her, she knew it. But knowing that didn't change anything. It only made her angrier, at herself and at Ben.

A gust of wind and sand blew up into Rey's face and swept her feet out from under her as the ship zipped past her and landed. She rolled backward, down the dune, and shielded her eyes from the rocky assault, spitting the remnants that made it into her mouth sharply onto the ground. She gripped her staff tightly and spread her legs, bracing herself for whatever— _whoever_ would climb down to greet her. She knew what face she'd see, the only question was who would be wearing it this time; Ben or Kylo.

Her heart raced as the stark, black doors separated with a deep hiss.

She saw the deep, red glow of his lightsaber before she saw him, and her hope dipped.

Kylo Ren walked briskly out of his ship and into the sand, shoulders hunched with purpose, gripping his lightsaber tightly in his gloved hands. He met her eyes immediately and moved toward her like a predator stalking its prey, devoid of any hesitation, focused solely on the goal in front of him. She felt his rage, radiating from him like the heat of a raging fire.

Rey glanced from him to her staff and back again, suddenly realizing her overwhelming disadvantage. Her free hand reached for the empty clip where her lightsaber would be and clenched her jaw. She couldn't fight him. Not with a _stick_. He'd cut it in half as soon as she was within his reach—but Rey knew she couldn't just throw her hands up in surrender.

He held his lightsaber, ready to strike if the situation called for it, but he didn't make any immediate move against her.

She took a few tentative steps to the right and he mirrored her, circling around her. She wasn't sure how she felt so cornered in such a vast stretch of space. But still, he didn't advance.

"Are we going to dance?" He sneered, as condescending as ever.

Rey narrowed her eyes, _a Jedi without a lightsaber…_ "Don't do this, Ben…" Her voice echoed the same, meaningless plea she'd whispered that night in Snoke's chamber. That time they had come together only to turn away from each other again. Her most cherished, painful memory. His eyes flickered, like he remembered it too, and she saw his hands squeeze tighter around the glowing weapon in his hand. Pointed at her.

With a whip of her hand, Rey reached toward him and _pushed_ , visualizing him flying through the air, his saber falling from his grasp, landing flat against his back against the sand… but he stayed put. Only his left foot shifted backwards, pulling against the terrain. Rey stared, disbelief swelled up inside her. She knew he was strong but… did she really have that little power against him? She'd trained, meditated, practiced her forms over and over again until they were ingrained in her muscles, until they came to her as easy as breathing. She wiped a bead of sweat from her brow and tried to keep her face even as he cocked a dark eyebrow in her direction.

"The power of the Jedi," He nodded, feigning amazement, motioning to the barely visible dip in the sand where his foot had been, " _Truly_ impressive." Despite his sarcasm, his anger had only grown more potent. Rey could feel it thickening the air between him. Why had she reached out to him? She'd felt the fear from the townsfolk, through the Force, as he made his way through their streets. She'd _known_ she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself. And look where that had gotten her…

Rey found herself taking a step back as his eyes zeroed in on her again.

"Where are you precious friends now, Rey?" He called through darkness, his lightsaber casting heavy, unforgiving shadows across his face. "I watched them leave you here, you know. Warping away. But I still felt you." He tilted his head slightly. Rey could see the glint of the saber in his eyes.

His words stung even though she knew the truth, there were just too many parallels for her to be completely confident, "I told them to leave," She replied, hoping he couldn't feel her heart, "To get away from _you_." When Leia had said they'd return from her, she knew she was telling the truth. Regardless, Jakku flashed under her eyelids and a cold, sweltering loneliness followed closely behind.

"Convenient," He shot back, taking a few steps toward her.

"Shut up." She growled, "You don't know anything!" She felt like a sniveling child but hearing him voice her deepest fears made them seem like they may be real. He knew them, she'd _confided_ in him. And now he was turning it around, using it against her. To break her down. On some level, she hated him for it. She wanted to take back everything she'd ever told him, every word she'd ever said that _didn't_ call him a monster. His frown deepened as that thought crossed her mind, like he felt her disdain. _Good_ , she thought blandly, squashing any guilt that found it's way into her heart.

He stalked forward, faster now, looming down on her like the danger he really was.

In a heartbeat, Rey turned on her heels and pushed her legs forward, ignoring the bone-chilling, unstable sound of his lightsaber as it burned in front of him. She couldn't fight him like this, not unless she wanted to lose a limb. Not without a weapon that could withstand his strike—

Before Rey could land her fourth stride, her legs froze in place. She pushed against it, reaching for the Light, but it felt so far away. No matter how far she stretched her mind, it was just out of her grasp. For a moment, as she stood there, stilled into a statue, she wondered if he'd drive his lightsaber through her back. But the thought passed like a fleeting memory. No, that would be too easy. He'd drain her of every bit of Light, squeeze her mind until she broke. Break her apart bit by bit before he would even _consider_ ripping her life away. For a moment, she wished he would just end it now—how was she supposed to handle seeing him like that? She had been so focused on seeing him again, _really_ seeing him, that she'd forgotten the lengths he'd go to just to get what he wanted. But then she remembered Finn and Poe, waiting for her. She remembered Finn squeezing her tightly when he thought she was hurting; Poe's voice over the communicator, searing with pain and concern as she begged them to leave her on the surface. She remembered Leia, assuring her that she belonged with the Resistance, that's they'd return for her. And then she yelled, trying to tear herself from Ren's hold. Her throat burned, and she felt his grasp on her tighten, pouring his hatred into her core. She wouldn't die, she _refused_. No matter what, she'd hold onto her friends.

Suddenly, she felt his hand rest on the side of her neck. His satisfaction at the simple touch washed over her, almost calming her before he murmured into her ear.

"Sleep."

And she fell into blackness.

* * *

 _A/N: Together again~  
_ _Thanks for reading!  
_ _Review?_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: I'm usually more of a one-shot kind of girl but… this Reylo-goodness is just so fun to write. Thanks again for all the love, guys. It's seriously so motivating to know there are other people waiting for it._

* * *

 _Six:_

Kylo Ren let Rey fall into his arms, cradling her body and pulling her up into the air before she could lapse into the sand. She was still so light, it felt like she was floating in his arms. She had been so angry—Ren wasn't sure he'd ever felt that much rage from her before. That should have made him happy, triumphant, and in some terrible way it did. But it also stung. There had been some part of him that had hoped she wouldn't run from him, maybe she'd even be glad to see him. But that was stupid. Her mind was corrupted, she was seduced by the Light and those in the Resistance.

Nevertheless, he was victorious. He wanted Rey and he'd found her.

But he knew he still hadn't won her over.

There had been a moment, when he'd grabbed hold of her with the Force, that a heavy, dark thought had entered her mind. He wanted to forget it, and he was so _angry_ at her for letting it enter his own thoughts. She thought Ren would kill her. Kill _her._ Like she was nothing and no one. As if he really could. As if he wanted to. An uncontrollable, selfish rage boiled in the pit of his stomach. He was capable, sure. And certainly, the First Order would expect that from him. But the First Order was _his_ now, and he had other plans. He could say it all he wanted and pretend that's what drove him to her, but nothing in the universe could make him drive his lightsaber through her flesh. If he wanted to kill her, he would have done it long ago. He could have done what Snoke wanted, what Snoke had thought he would, and killed her right then and there in that crimson chamber.

 _Never._ The thought rose in his mind with a snarl, and Ren stood in shock. It took all his strength to tear his eyes from her terribly peaceful sleeping face and resist the urge to pull the stray hairs from her cheeks.

General Hux was behind him in that ship. Waiting.

He had to at least pretend the First Order's interests were his own. For now. Until he spoke to Rey. She'd have no choice but to accept him once he laid his terms out on the table.

He turned and walked, slower than he typically would, cherishing her weight in his arms for as long as he could before the First Orders eyes were trained on him again. It was an unfamiliar feeling, the satisfaction, the gratification he felt from something so simple. He tried not to think about it too hard and stepped onto the platform.

Armitage Hux was already standing there. His pensive glare was trained on Rey's slumbering face. "Well done, Supreme Leader," a sick grin twisted his thin lips upward, revealing his teeth, "The murderer has been recovered— chain her!" He motioned to the idle storm troopers and lifted his eyes to Ren, "This is a true victory, we'll see to her execution swiftly—"

"Then you've lost all sense." Ren growled, still cradling her gently in his arms. The thought of handing her over so she could sit in a cell disgusted him. He knew he'd have to, but he didn't want to let go. "This girl didn't _just_ kill Snoke. She's an important piece of the puzzle in the Resistance, she knows where they are, what they're planning. Or, maybe you forgot?" Ren watched as shock and shame and finally, anger, flashed across his General's face.

"Of course not," Hux hissed and then promptly cleared his throat and stood up straighter, "Supreme Leader." He added, with a stiff nod.

The door shut tightly behind Ren as the storm trooper approached with the restraints. Before he released her, he turned his attention to the warrior in white armor and let the venom seep into his voice, "Restrain her in the containment room on the third deck of the _Finalizer_. I don't want _anyone_ going in there. No one. Except for me." He glowered, ignoring the General's eyes boring into his back. The trooper nodded quickly, and Ren handed Rey over, smoothly, hoping no one took note of how he cradled her neck, and returned his gaze to Hux, "She will only die if _I_ give the order." His voice was barely intelligible under his searing rage. He thought he might have seen Hux shrink back, just a little. "Now, take me back to my ship."

The command shuttle took off soon after and in minutes, they were flying through space and back toward the _Finalizer_.

Ren returned to his chambers on the Star Destroyer soon after landing, only taking a moment to order Hux to rendezvous with the rest of the fleet he'd sent after the Resistance ship. He was surprised how little he cared about them suddenly, how little their inconvenience mattered to him now that he had stolen Rey away…

The storm troopers had locked her up where he'd instructed them to and stripped her of her belongings, bringing them to Ren shortly after. It was mostly junk; her quarterstaff, the short-range communicator embellished with a small, hand carved Resistance symbol. He ran his thumb over it and frowned but set it aside when his eyes caught sight of the crystal. At first glance it could be mistaken for a regular trinket, just a sharp stone someone might fasten onto a necklace… he wondered if she knew what it was. But unless Luke had taken the time to teach her about the making of lightsabers in the short amount of time she was with him, he doubted it.

His former masters words echoed through his mind, _"I will not be the last Jedi."_

 _Apparently…_ he thought, unsure what emotion he was feeling. He scoffed at the memory and tapped the crystal between his fingers. It was cold.

As he held the stone in his hands, he could feel Rey radiating from it. He was certain she didn't know what it was. Regardless, she'd somehow already begun the process of attuning herself to it. The only way to forge a lightsaber from an already existing crystal was to meditate on it. It took days, sometimes longer, of intense, mind-numbing focus. From what he'd learned, it all depended on the Jedi. Some could manage it, others could not.

This was different though; it wasn't just any catalyst for a lightsaber. It was Kyber, in its purest form, as far as Ren could tell.

 _How did she find this?_ He stared down at it thoughtfully, an idea beginning to take shape in his head. He knew she needed a weapon, one she'd likely turn against him if given the chance, and she was practically lost without it. During their brief confrontation on Florrum, she'd been so daring, so willing to take him on, until it dawned on her that she was outmatched. Which was true, and at the same time, it wasn't— despite all his years in training, under Luke and then Snoke, Rey always managed to at least _meet_ his abilities. If she still had a lightsaber, their dance in the desert could have gone very differently. The idea bristled him. But he knew it was true. _She_ knew she needed a weapon, and she knew she wouldn't just be handed another lightsaber… Ren was certain he could use this to his advantage.

He stared into the clear stone for a moment longer before deciding to head to the containment room. It had been about an hour, she should be waking up at any moment.

As he approached the chamber, he heard her inside, struggling against the restraints she'd been bound to. A wistful smile threatened to lift his lips and he shook his head, of _course_ she was fighting. She wouldn't be herself if she wasn't. He loved it, in a way, her unwavering spirit. But it was that same spirit that would keep him at least an arm's length away at all times. He pushed the torn, guilty feeling away and opened the door, stepping inside.

Rey couldn't turn her head to look at him, her hands and feet were also bound, so she settled on thrashing around against her restrictions.

"You're awake," He noted, walking around to stand in front of her.

"Thanks for the nap," She snapped, narrowing her tired, hazel eyes in his direction. She was still angry. "You're not going to get anything out of me, your little tricks don't work on me anymore."

She was referring to his interrogation, long ago, when his only purpose was to find Luke Skywalker. He frowned, "I know." He answered simply. Her face morphed from angry to suspicious in a heartbeat. He'd accepted that a very long time ago, the first time the Force had connected them. She was resistant to him, at least in that way.

"You…" Her mouth hung open for a second and she furrowed her brow, "So what do you want, then?"

He ignored her and pulled the crystal from the pouch at his waist. She faltered, barely, and kept her lips pressed into a tight line. She knew it was special, at the very least, even if she had no idea what it was for. "Where did you find this?"

She didn't answer, just kept her steady glare trained on his face.

He tried again, "This is Kyber," He told her, twisting it between his fingers, "It's used to create lightsabers. I doubt you went mining for it."

Her eyes widened, as if realization had just washed over her.

"Where did you get this?" He pressed.

"I _found_ it," She growled defensively, "On Florrum." Rey's eyes flickered to the crystal and back into his face. These crystals grew throughout the universe, but not on a planet like Florrum. He could feel the truth in her words regardless. She was always surprisingly honest. It suited her.

Ren stepped closer and leaned forward, "I could help you." He breathed, watching a rush of emotions flash across her face, eventually settling on fierce skepticism.

"I don't need help—" she hesitated, her honesty getting the better of her again, "I don't want _your_ help."

Ren scowled. He knew she'd react this way. Stubborn and irrational.

"You were alone down there," He said thoughtfully, letting his outrage surface. Rey had been so sure they wouldn't leave her, that she'd never be abandoned again. And yet he'd found her in the middle of the desert by herself, her precious Resistance had left her there. Just like he knew they would. "Is that why you reached out to me?"

Her gaze fell to the floor, "You're wrong…" She murmured, "And I already told you. I made them leave. _Their_ survival is more important than mine."

"It's _not_." Ren answered before his mind could create the proper response, "Can you not see that?" He was annoyed. Furiously, insanely, _annoyed_. Ren never put the First Order over himself, how could she put the Resistance above herself? Because of her friends? The idiot, the traitor? _His_ mother?

"You wouldn't understand, Ben." She said, a dismal smile pulling at her lips.

He gritted his teeth, wishing she would stop looking at him like that. Like he was some fragile piece of a person. To stop staring at him like he was the only person she _really_ saw. Stop calling him Ben, so he wouldn't feel that painful churn pulling his chest in two. He just wanted her to stop. But if she ever did, he wasn't sure what he'd do. How could he want such drastically opposite things so fervently? Why— _how_ —did she manage to do this to him, without even trying?

Ren sighed, wondering if she could feel the strange mix of emotions bubbling up inside him, topped by sheer impatience.

He needed to focus.

"You reached out to me," Ren said again, obvious frustration in his voice, " _Why_?"

She stared at him, wide-eyed, brows knit together in bold contemplation. She didn't know what to say. That only frustrated him more; he didn't know what answer he was looking for but he was looking for _something_. Anything. He needed it. Finally her lips parted and a shaky exhale made its way between them before she managed to find her voice, "I _wanted_ to." She murmured, a soft blush rose to her freckled cheeks, "I couldn't help it. And I hate myself for it."

Ren recoiled slightly, unable to hide the deep dejected sting he felt contort his face. He took a step back and squeezed the crystal in his hand, letting his anger build a wall between them again. She felt it. All of it. And her expression twisted to match his own, almost like she regretted having said it. But she didn't take it back and Ren narrowed his eyes at her, "You have two options, Rey." He practically hissed. He was ashamed, indignant, and he was done trying to play nice with her. He kept trying to tell himself that her fate was in his hands. _He_ held the leverage. She was tied in tight, Force binding restraints, on his ship, in the galaxy _he_ controlled. By any sane persons perspective, she had to do whatever he said. But he still felt like she was in control.

"Why are you doing this, Ben?" Rey was looking at him with those eyes again, threatening to swallow him alive. He was almost willing to let her. "You could have come _with_ me."

He laughed once, ignoring the quiver of her bottom lip, "To a swift execution? Or maybe your little Resistance would have tortured me first. Oh, or I could have spent the remainder of this life in a _cell_." He approached her again, stepping closer this time, his voice was a low growl, "That was never an option, Rey."

"They wouldn't do that—" she protested, pushing her forehead against the metal, like if she could just reach out and touch him, she could make him understand.

But he cut her off, "You have _two_ options, Rey." Ren said again, darker, hoping she could feel the gravity of her situation. Of his. She was finally silent, like she just now realized how dire their situation actually was. "One," he reached out and held the Kyber crystal in front of her face, "You accept. You let me teach you. You swear fealty to _me_ , the First Order, and let me show you…" he resisted the urge to hold out his hand, rest it on her face, feel her warmth; the sweetness of the Light was just beyond his fingertips, beckoning him. Her glower brought him out of his daydream and back to his terms, "Or two, you keep resisting. And the First Order gets to decide what happens to you."

"The First Order?" She scoffed, "You're the all powerful _Supreme Leader_ of the First Order, aren't you?" Her tone was condescending but he could see her weighing her options in her head. Her eyes flickered around his face, searching for any semblance of truth in his words, analyzing him for the lies. But he had no reason to lie to her, not now. He was certain she could feel the emotions running through his veins just like he could feel hers. He didn't _want_ to hurt her. Even if she rejected him, he wasn't sure he could carry out the First Order's plans for her. He wasn't sure if he was capable, but more shockingly, he wasn't sure if he was willing. Rey was able to resist his probing of her mind, he couldn't control her like he wanted to. Like he should be able to. If he wasn't able to get anything out of her, she'd be dead in a matter of days. Her life would be forfeit. He'd branded her the murderer of Snoke, after all. But if she joined him, stood at his side, like he wanted… like _she_ wanted, somewhere deep down in the depths of her soul, and cooperate… he could keep her alive. Safe. _Close_.

"Ben," She murmured, staring carefully into his eyes, "Either way, you're asking me to betray my friends." She tried to shake her head but the constraints kept the back of her head firmly in place. She sighed and her lips parted again, her voice was soft, like she was trying to comfort him, "I'd rather you just get on with it."

Ren stared at her. He felt the frustration boil over and take shape as a deep hatred. He couldn't let go of it. Her life was more important than theirs. He wanted to make her understand that.

"They mean nothing to me." He barked, watching confusion twist her face. "Do you think I was hunting them down for _this_?" He motioned to the ship around him, "For the First Order? Let the past _die_." In one swift stroke of his hand, he released her, freeing her from the restraints that bound her. She stayed frozen for a moment, like she thought it was a trick, and gaped at him. "Stay with me." He needed her to stay. He didn't care about anything else in that moment. He didn't care that she could rip his lightsaber from his belt and end it all then. He knew what he wanted. It had taken him so long to find the right path, wherever it led him, wherever it was, _she_ had to be next to him. He needed her to want it.

He felt the swirling conflict rise from the depths of her heart— he felt her longing, her hesitation, her fear, every pull to the Dark, the blinding warmth of the Light.

Rey was motionless, searching for the answer, he could feel her shaky breath pass between her lips, sending shivers down his spine. He needed this.

Ren opened his mouth, half ready to _beg_ , "Rey—"

But she collapsed into him, cutting him off with a dangerous, relentless kiss. Her freed arms wrapped around his neck and she jerked him forward, completely closing the small distance between them. She breathed into him, giving him the Light he craved, stealing the Darkness weighing down his shoulders. Her slender fingers found their way into his hair and tangled themselves in it, as if to keep him from retreating. He felt her guilt, barely masked by ravenous fervency, but she pushed harder against it, against _him_. Like she needed it too.

* * *

 _A/N: I managed to get away from the family just long enough to finish and post today! Merry Christmas, (if you celebrate it), and thanks for reading!_

 _Review?_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: so, I didn't really think this would be necessary since I assumed anyone who even bothered to click on this fic was into the Reylo pairing, but I received a private message (who shall remain nameless), telling me I'm romanticizing a toxic, unhealthy relationship… and that I should delete my story._

 _Two things. First, this is fanfiction, which (to me) means that pretty much anything goes. And second, I'm not saying "go find a sad, damaged person and fix them up. It's worth the heartache because you love them!" Because… it's fanfiction. Guilty pleasures, favorite characters, unrealistic expectations, that's the name of the game._

 _Despite this, I've also received a crazy amount of love for my story, so it's not going anywhere._

 _Thanks for the continued support, guys!_

* * *

 _Seven:_

The days on the _Finalizer_ passed faster than Rey thought possible. She wasn't sure exactly how long it had been, each day blurred together now that she was sleeping regularly. Better than she had in a long time, actually. Being onboard a Star Destroyer, as more of a guest, rather than a prisoner, was completely foreign to her. She wasn't in a cell, she'd been given her own room. Complete with a bed, too big for just her, and a wardrobe filled to the brim with strikingly dark, yet somehow bland, clothing. All of it was decorated with the First Orders crest on the left shoulder in various shades of black and grey. It felt wrong, wearing the symbol of something she despised. But they were comfortable, breathable, and stretchy. They were perfect for training, and Ben had been working her to the bone almost every day. Initially, it was strange. She couldn't relax. She was uncomfortable being with him in a casual environment, standing around stretching, exercising, practicing her forms and swings. Like they hadn't been fighting each other from across the galaxy for _months_ … but it became routine faster than Rey thought it would. She felt overwhelmingly guilty most of the time but… She'd never felt so strong before. And she wasn't sure if she'd ever felt this content, either. That wasn't to say she was _happy_ with her current conditions. While she wasn't technically a prisoner, she couldn't go anywhere without Ben, and she'd rather be almost anywhere else, so long as he was there.

Rey glanced around her new room, resisting the urge to laugh at how ridiculously unpractical it seemed. Everything from the floor to the ceiling was black, silver, or a stark red. Even away from the fearful, probing eyes of the galaxy, in an old officer's living quarters, the First Order had to keep up its appearances.

With a strangely satisfied sigh, Rey lifted her fingers to the thin, metal device around her neck. According to Ben, it cut off her connection to the Force, keeping her docile and in check when they weren't training. She couldn't feel the Light or the Dark when she had it on, which was a comfort and a curse. It left her empty, but she ultimately felt safe, and admittedly a little less guilty when she didn't feel that dangerous pull from the Darkness. Ben didn't trust her, not entirely. It should have made her angry, but she barely even noticed it any more. She only wore it when she was alone. Which, if she was being honest, was barely ever. Ben was with her constantly. And as time wore on she wasn't sure if that was because he wanted to keep a watchful eye on her or if he just wanted to be in her company. Either one was mildly unsettling. Her entire situation was, really. When the ultimatum had been put in front of her, she knew she would rather die than give up her friends. But, by some wild stretch of the imagination, Ben hadn't once asked about information relating to the Resistance or its whereabouts.

Rey's stomach clenched. She wondered what his acceptance of her was doing to the First Order. She didn't care about their well-being, and living on this ship disgusted her in a way she couldn't quite put into words… But she knew they couldn't possibly be happy with the turn of events. It was horrifying, not knowing. He hadn't told her a thing about the events unfolding beyond the door to her chamber. She never saw any storm troopers, any officers, and every time he entered her makeshift room, she tensed, wondering if the First Order had come to take her away from all of this. Away from Ben.

The longer she was on the _Finalizer,_ the more Rey realized that her fantasy, the one with Ben swinging a lightsaber, training with her among her friends, absorbed by the Light, was so far out of the realm of possibility. When he'd said it was never an option for him, to join her and the Resistance, it hadn't just been a stubborn show of power. Even if he wanted to, he knew they'd never accept him. There was nothing that could erase the sins of his past. He'd understood that, but she hadn't. At least not when it mattered. Asking him to join _her_ was asking him to die. Rey was surprised by how much that thought scared her. It hadn't seemed like it was that long ago that she thought she hated him. She'd called him a monster; which wasn't a stretch by any means. Not really. But he was being torn apart by the conflict he kept locked away inside himself. The more time she spent with him, the more she felt it dissolve, just like her own turmoil.

It was still insurmountably painful when Rey's thoughts wandered to her friends. When she imagined Finn and Poe, wondering where she could be, wondering if she was dead. She realized, with a biting pang of guilt, that they'd never imagine her where she was now. Would they call her a traitor? Would their love for her diminish? Would they hate her?

Rey shook her head, hoping to clear her mind, and pushed herself to her feet.

She wandered over to the metal desk beside her bed and eyed the crystal sitting there. It was still clear, like glass, despite the time she'd spent trying to meditate on it, like Ben had shown her. He said it was supposed to change color, to ultimately become whatever color her lightsaber would be, yet it hadn't changed at all since she'd picked it up on Florrum. She was supposed to meditate on it, for _days_ , before she could construct it into her weapon. Her eyes flickered over to her quarterstaff leaning against the wall in the corner and she sighed again. She hadn't been able to keep focused long enough to completely attune the crystal to herself or her connection with the Force. And aside from that, she wouldn't be able to use the single crystal in her staff.

 _"You'd need at least two crystals, Kyber or otherwise, for a dual bladed lightsaber."_ Ben had said when she'd voiced her idea about using the staff. He insisted that, whenever the Kyber was ready, to just construct a typical lightsaber. She wasn't against the idea… but when she'd learned she _could,_ hypothetically, use her weapon of choice, she couldn't get it out of her head.

 _Maybe that's why I can't finish the crystal_ , Rey mused, picking it up and squeezing it in her palm.

Whatever the case may be, she wasn't given any more time to mull it over as the door whisked open and her newest ally joined her in the room.

Rey frowned when she saw him; he was haggard, deep purple bags had set in under his dark eyes, insatiable anger radiated from him. It had to do with the First Order and, unquestionably, her presence on the ship. She didn't need him to tell her, not that he would, but it was written all over his face. She stood there, unsure if she was supposed to greet him or let him speak first. It was always awkward when he first entered the room. With all their past transgressions, she doubted it would ever become truly casual.

 _Not to mention…_ Rey thought suddenly, feeling the stubborn heat rise to her cheeks as she remembered the way she'd kissed him when he released her restraints.

If he noticed her embarrassment, he didn't show it as he made his way further into the room and slumped into the plush, grey lounge at the other end of her bed. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes after practically ripping his gloves from his hands and throwing them across the room. Rey couldn't help but notice the grimace on his face and the harsh lines in his brow as he sat there in silence. She wondered, briefly, when his frustration had become so important to her. When she could feel his pain like it was her own. Regardless of the answer, she approached him. Slowly.

"Ben?" She murmured, taking note of how his face softened when she spoke. So different from how he would scowl when she used to say his name.

His eyes fluttered open abruptly, and he was standing again, towering over her. He reached out and slid his fingers from her chin, along her jaw, through her hair, eventually resting his hand on the back of her neck. She stared up at him, wide-eyed, hoping he couldn't feel the goosebumps that rose on her skin. He didn't speak, he only looked back at her with his unwavering gaze before wordlessly pressing his finger against the metal around her neck. It released with a beep and fell to the floor with a sharp clang, pulling Rey's eyes from his as she flinched at the sound.

"You're not meant to be leashed," He mumbled, so quietly she barely heard it. Ben fell back into his seat with a sigh, but she swore she'd heard disgust in his voice.

Rey looked down at the metal collar, only taking a moment to relish in the wave of serenity that washed over her as her connection to the Force returned, before turning her attention back to him.

There _was_ something going on.

"What's happening?" She finally asked.

He kept his eyes closed but raised one eyebrow, "What?"

Rey felt her jaw clench, finally letting her own frustration take hold. He had to know she felt the underlying danger in their situation. In _his._ He had to understand how much of herself she'd sacrificed to join him on the _Finalizer_ , even if she didn't regret it. She was tired of being kept in the dark. "You know what I'm talking about." She hissed, surprised by the acidity of her own voice.

He seemed to notice and finally met her gaze through narrowed eyes, "I don't remember you becoming a part of the First Order," He snapped back, "Or what it has to do with you."

"Then put that thing back on my neck and get out." She nodded toward the collar on the ground and met his glare with one of her own.

He sat up straighter and for a moment Rey thought he actually might, "Are you giving the orders now?"

"I don't want to see you hurting." She answered, "I want to help you."

"If you want to help me," He said, a dangerous glimmer in his eyes, "Come _here_."

Rey felt herself flush anew and tried her best to ignore that hungry look in her eyes. Grinding her teeth together, she tried again, "Ben—"

"Or go over there." His eyes flickered to the bed and back to her.

Rey gaped at him, knowing he could see every shred of embarrassment she felt welling up inside her. She'd been on the _Finalizer_ for weeks now, and despite the few heated moments they'd shared, he'd never been so _forward_. She took a step back, away from the bed, and ignored the strange fluttering in her stomach, "You're funny, aren't you? I didn't think you could make jokes."

"I'm not being _funny_." He growled.

Rey felt herself falter again and ripped her eyes from his fierce gaze. She knew he wasn't joking. But she almost wished he was. He was trying to distract her, and even as she felt her mind wander to the idea, she pretended it wasn't working. "You're trying to change the subject, Ben." She said finally, avoiding his pinning eyes, threatening to wash away her resolve.

"You're right," He admitted, not a shred of guilt in his breathy voice.

She bristled. She'd known he wouldn't tell her, but it was disheartening all the same. Asking Ben to open up to her was idiotic. But she hadn't realized the lengths he would go to just to avoid it. The heat in her face didn't let up and she groaned. She almost preferred the awkwardness to the tension. Almost.

"You don't want it?" Ben asked, his head tilting slightly to his left. His voice rang with genuine curiosity and not an iota of embarrassment, like he _wasn't_ suddenly suggesting they fall into bed together.

It took all of Rey's strength to resist the urge to turn on her heels and run to the opposite end of the room. She was new to everything in the universe unrelated to piloting, scavenging, fighting for her next meal, and, most recently, platonic hugs with her closest friends. She was _especially_ new to anything remotely romantic. Each time they'd kissed, it had been a reaction, almost involuntary. It was more of a _in the heat of the moment_ kind of decision. And even then, it had only happened twice. Rey shook her head, realizing suddenly, that he _had_ managed to distract her. She fumed and crossed her arms, but her face still burned, "That's not what we're talking about. I'm being serious." She pressed, finally meeting his eyes again. Her breath caught in her throat. Why was he looking at her like _that_? She cleared her throat, but her voice was weaker when she finally grabbed hold of it again, "Could—could you stop that?"

Rey swore she saw the slightest trace of a grin lift the corner of his mouth as he stood, "You do." He breathed, ignoring every word she'd just said.

She practically gasped when she realized she hadn't denied it, but he was upon her now, and she couldn't find her voice under his gaze. She hadn't denied it because she _couldn't_. She couldn't lie, not to him. Not when the Force kept them entwined to each other, caught in an unrelenting, unfair connection. Like a tidal wave, she felt it. His heavy, treacherous need, radiating from him, threatening to pull her under the surf. Threatening to destroy every bit of resolve she had left.

Her heart beat frantically under her chest and she narrowed her eyes. Her throat was dry, and she pushed away her own yearning, stealing one last, quick look at the bed behind him before speaking again, " _Talk_ to me first," She said slowly, "Then I _might_ be inclined to give you what you want." She sounded more confident than she thought she would as the words left her lips, filling her with an unwarranted, smug satisfaction.

His mouth twitched. She saw the impatience shine through his voracious gaze, "I want you to say it first."

Rey felt her blush rise to her ears and her confidence plummeted, "Say… what?" Her voice was meek now.

" _Say_ you want it."

Suddenly, Rey felt so extraordinarily small. Just when she thought she might hold the upper hand, he swung in and grabbed it from her. She pressed her lips tighter. _No way_. She thought, adamant disobedience forcing its way to the surface of her mind, only overshadowed by her overwhelming embarrassment. She tried telling herself that she didn't want to let him win but…

 _Maybe I do._

The thought grabbed hold of her so strongly, Rey thought she might crumble. She'd never felt anything like this before. No one had ever looked at her like that. It was unfamiliar and thrilling, and she was startled by how much she wanted it. She thought she might even need it…

Rey opened her mouth and the words danced on the tip of her tongue. He watched her lips with an intensity that made her realize she didn't _care_ that she was on the _Finalizer_ , with the First Order. She didn't care that she was going to let him win. She barely remembered that her friends were out there, somewhere in space, desperately searching for her, worrying about what fate might have befallen her. His Darkness twisted dangerously around her, tangling with her Light, and for the first time in a long time, she wasn't _afraid_ of it. Instead, she was overcome by a strange fulfillment. The in-between, the middle-ground. A balance she'd been searching for. It didn't matter where she was, not if Ben was there, giving her his strength while she gave him hers. It didn't have to be one way or the other, he didn't have to bathe in the Light and she didn't have to drown in the Dark, there was something else entirely in the center, calling her. Calling him. She _felt_ it. He had to feel it too.

" _I_ want it." She whispered, every sliver of bashfulness washing away this time, as she stared back into his dark gaze.

He leaned forward, wordlessly. Before her eyes fluttered shut she saw it—everything he felt, every bit of conflict in his heart—she saw the cold pain and the loneliness thaw, and his eyes reflected everything she couldn't put into words. It morphed into everything she felt, into silent relief, unwavering satisfaction.

His hands found her waist before anything else and he pulled her into him with a rough, impatient tug. She felt his breath on a shaky exhale and held her own, _waiting_ , for what felt like an eternity.

A sharp, shrill noise permeated the air, ringing with dangerous purpose, and Ben froze around her, pulling away just as his lips grazed against hers with ferocious electricity. Rey blinked back into reality as his hands fell away from her hips and she opened her eyes to his old face, dread dissolving her bliss as she met the eyes of Kylo Ren.

He stepped back suddenly and turned his eyes to the door as the alarm blared around them, his leer contorted into deep, blinding hatred.

Before she could open her mouth to speak, he was storming away, back to the First Order, pulling a piece of herself along with him.

"Stay here!" He roared over his shoulder before disappearing behind the grey door, leaving Rey alone in her room, her deafening curiosity only barely overwhelming the vociferous blast of the alarm.

It only took a few heartbeats for Rey to return to the world around her, to the _Finalizer_ , and the familiar blare reverberating around her. She turned and ran away from the door, to the windowed aperture, overlooking the dark vacuum of space, carefully dotted with the twinkling stars she found so mesmerizing. And that was all she saw. The view, the breathtaking beauty. But as the noise around her continued, she strained her neck to peer further into the nothingness.

And that's when she saw it.

Rey's heart sank, and she swallowed her lingering desire as her eyes met the familiar fleet, standing proud, before the Star Destroyer she resided on.

The Resistance had come for her.

* * *

 _A/N:_ _I'm so sorry, I love cliffhangers._

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _Review?_


	8. Chapter 8

_Eight:_

* * *

Rey's feet moved before her mind could process the situation unfolding around her.

She ran to the desk and shoved the Kyber crystal in her pocket before grabbing her quarterstaff from the corner and slinging it over her shoulder. She peered around the room, searching for anything else she might need, and her eyes fell to the floor, to the metal device that had been fastened around her neck not too long ago.

 _He forgot…_ She thought, brushing her fingers over the bare skin of her nape. He'd left the room in such a rush, she could only assume he'd forgotten about it.

Suddenly she stopped as a crushing wave of uncertainty threatened to pull her under—she was gearing up to escape. To run away. Even though she'd _chosen_ to take this path… the Resistance didn't know that. She wasn't even sure how they'd found the _Finalizer_ , let alone why they'd attack it. Unless they were gearing up to rescue her, to save her from Kylo Ren's clutches, she hadn't the faintest idea. But still, openly attacking a Star Destroyer seemed too bold for General Organa, she wouldn't send their fleet blindly into battle in the hopes of finding Rey. It seemed more like…

"Poe." Rey mumbled, unable to fight the confusion welling up inside her. He'd been against leaving her on Florrum in the first place. If he thought their new fleet could withstand the barrage from the _Finalizer_ , he might think rescuing Rey was worth the risk. Especially if they returned to that desert planet to find her abandoned transport and no sign of her. She frowned, unable to move her feet from their position on the floor. It sounded like something Poe would do, but if he was somehow calling the shots, that begged the question of what happened to Leia. Rey hadn't felt anything through the Force, like she had when Luke had gone. But she wouldn't just hand over the Resistance's forces to Poe, either.

Rey turned her gaze to the door Ben had disappeared through just moments earlier and her frown deepened.

She'd been so sure that he was dealing with the turmoil among the First Order, arguing with them about her sudden residence on the ship, despite her unwillingness to give them information, but maybe… he _knew_ something about all of this. It wasn't easy to sneak up on a Star Destroyer, even Rey knew that much. Their radars and sensors would have picked up on them before they could be seen by the eye, even coming out of lightspeed. The thought never would have crossed her mind before, but with Poe potentially leading the Resistance and the lack of surprise on Ben's face when the alarm had sounded, maybe she was onto something.

 _Ben…_ She thought quietly, imagining how he'd react if he walked back in right now and saw her, ready to take flight. The guilt was heavy, it kept her feet still for a moment longer. She wanted off this ship, but not a single part of her wanted to run away from him.

But her friends were out there, she could hear the fighting already. The longer she waited, the more likely they were to die, the more likely they were to lose valuable people and fighters. _Why_ did they come after her? She shook her head, letting a foul defeat rise in her chest. She would have done the same thing for them, she never would have thought they were there _willingly_. The shame couldn't get much heavier as Rey wrestled with herself.

Running to meet the Resistance, to get off the _Finalizer_ , meant she could save her friends from this destiny she'd created for them. But it also meant abandoning Ben. Even if she could run around the ship trying to find him, he wouldn't join her. He couldn't. And she would never ask him to. Not again. But if she stayed put in her room, her friends would fight to their last breath to get her back. Or until they found out she was situated on the Star Destroyer as a willing guest. Learning the ways of the Force from their greatest enemy. They'd know about her betrayal, they'd probably hate her for it.

Rey fought the stinging tears welling up in her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair.

Abandon Ben or betray the Resistance.

Her fingers trembled, but she knew what she had to do. She'd decided long ago that she'd never risk her friends lives for him, no matter the circumstances. They refused to give up on her, they cared about her, they were willing to brazenly attack the First Order just to retrieve her. To _save_ her. But the thought was heavier than it had ever been, especially when her mind flashed back to Ben standing in front of her. The peace that radiated from his core as he looked back at her, the strange happiness in his eyes. Her realization that she _needed_ him, just like he needed her. The balance she felt as they stood together, _so close_ , creating something new and real and overwhelmingly ideal. A twist of Light and Dark. A vision of something greater than the two of them.

The tears rolled over her cheeks and Rey thought she might collapse onto the floor.

 _It wasn't supposed to go like this._ She thought woefully, finally letting her feet take her in the direction she needed to go.

The door opened with a gentle wave of her hand, and Rey stepped into the flashing corridor by herself. She hadn't been able to explore the _Finalizer_ , and she had no idea which direction she should go. All she could do was find a way down. Eventually she'd have to find a hangar and a ship that could take her back to her friends. So, she ran. The alarm was still blaring around her, each harsh blast reverberated in her eardrums, taunting her. Her heart thumped rapidly under her chest, and she pushed away the thought of running into any First Order lackeys. _Or worse…_ She thought, her mind once again jumping back to Ben.

The halls twisted and turned in an annoyingly complex way, and as she pushed herself faster, her guilty soul threatening to overwhelm her with each thump of her feet against the deck.

As she approached a lift, she sighed, knowing that once she stepped foot on it, there was no going back. Her tears showed no sign of stopping as she advanced, and the silver door shut behind her with a thud, reminding her again that everything, the harsh reality that whirled around her, was _her_ fault.

As she rode the elevator down, she braced herself for any faces that might appear on the other side of the door. She reached into herself, pushing past the frustration and sadness, grasping at the Force that swirled inside her. _Focus_. She touched it, briefly, and the doors slid open to reveal two tall men, adorned in the same bland grey she was wearing. One reached for his side, to the blaster against his belt, and Rey finally grabbed the concentration she'd been searching for.

"You will drop your weapons, walk away, and forget you ever saw me." Her voice was clear and calm, despite the sobs working their way up her throat, and she flicked her eyes from one mans face to the other.

They only stared back at her for a heartbeat before their shoulders relaxed and each one of them unfastened the weapons from their sides and placed them gently on the floor. Rey held her breath as both of them turned and began shuffling away, as if they'd never seen her to begin with. Relief filled her veins, but she didn't dare take a moment to relish in her victory, and grabbed both of the blasters from the floor before she started running again.

If she didn't keep moving, focusing on her goal, she was certain she'd turn around and find herself back in her chambers. Back to that unnervingly safe place, where she'd felt such purpose. Back to Ben.

Rey shook her head furiously and turned left, down another barren hallway.

She couldn't think about him.

Not when her friends were out there, fighting for her. The sooner she found a ship, the safer they'd be. The safer Ben might be…

Rey pushed herself harder and pressed forward, faster.

She knew it wasn't true. If this attack didn't threaten Ben's position, her disappearance definitely would. Her heart clenched; what would the First Order do to him after all of this? What _could_ they do? Even though he hadn't confided in her, she had felt the tides turning, she'd felt a strange shift in power. She couldn't explain the tugging feeling in the back of her mind that things were gearing up toward… _something_.

 _I'm not supposed to be thinking about Ben!_ Rey growled to herself, taking a right at the next available turn, practically tackling a lone storm trooper to the ground. Fiery instinct took hold of her and she ripped her staff from her back and swung against his helmet before he could even lift his weapon to her. He was unconscious after the first blow, his helmet cracked and body limp. But she raised it again for another swing. Some part of her wanted to take it out on him; _this_ unsuspecting man in a mask, stolen as a child and raised to fight. He'd gotten in her way, after all. As she ran from something she didn't want to leave. For the sake of others, instead of herself. Despite Ben. Despite everything. Her arms shook above her head and dangerous, violent Darkness contorted around her, reaching its hand toward her. Begging her to let it in, to smash her quarterstaff against the troopers head. She wanted to, somewhere deep inside. She was just so _angry_. Angry at the Resistance for risking so much for her. Angry at Ben for picking her up on Florrum and for looking at her the way he did. Angry that she'd found a balance, no matter how strange it seemed, and now she was being forced to leave it behind, and _abandon_ him. But mostly she was angry at herself. She was certain that she could have done anything else and it would have worked out better.

She clenched her jaw and sighed.

Hindsight didn't matter now.

She needed to find a ship.

Rey dropped her hands to her side and stepped over the storm trooper, only mildly horrified at how badly she had wanted to hurt him. As she worked her way back into a sprint, she let herself feel the slightest bit of relief that her arms had reached for her staff and not the blasters she'd stolen. Killing him wouldn't have ensured her survival. It only would have let that foreign rage take hold.

After what felt like forever, Rey took one final turn and gasped as a wide door opened before her, revealing countless storm troopers in ranks, many scrambling towards their TIE fighters. Gently, she swung her staff back onto her back and tried to make herself look taller, hoping they wouldn't take notice of her as she shuffled along the outskirts of the hangar. Luckily, if any of them did notice her, her First Order garments blocked any suspicion long enough for her to slip past their gaze. She was grateful for the chaos surging around her. They were too focused on their mission to pay her any mind. At least for now. She wasn't sure what plans her friends had to get her out of here, but hopefully she could find an unguarded spacecraft and get off the _Finalizer_ before they had anymore bright ideas about freeing her.

Rey ducked behind a large stack of crates and looked around. All the fighters were unleashed, probably because of the incoming attack. That made things easier. Rey locked her eyes onto the TIE fighter closest to her, far enough away from the prying eyes of the troopers and officers just beyond the crates behind her. _That_ would be her escape. As soon as the next group of armored soldiers passed by her, she'd have to make a run for it…

She could taste the freedom on her lips and she tried pushing all her lingering thoughts of Ben away as she tensed her legs, ready to sprint.

 _He'll never forgive me,_ she thought suddenly, blinking away furious, ugly tears.

Her hesitation only lasted a moment. She watched the next platoon jog past her hiding place and practically dove across the opening.

Once safely aboard the TIE fighter, Rey managed to take off with a bundle of departing First Order pilots, silencing the communicator inside as a voice began yelling through the speakers. She knew she could avoid their attacks if any of them caught on, at least for the time being. She just had to find the right frequency to contact the Resistance before _they_ tried to shoot her down. Attacks from both sides would be a different, much more complicated matter.

After fumbling with the dials, she tuned into the correct station and struggled harder than she cared to admit finding her voice, "I need to speak to General Organa!" She called into the mic, pulling to controls desperately to the left, narrowly avoiding the incoming barrage from a Resistance X-wing, "Or Poe! It's Rey!" She huffed, "It's Rey! Can you—" She fell into a downward spiral, taking note of the few dozen TIE fighters approaching behind her, "Can you hear me?"

Several heartbeats of deafening silence pounded against Rey's ears as she maneuvered through the chaos around her; if they couldn't hear her, they'd shoot her down long before she could get anywhere close to the ship.

"Poe!" She yelled, desperation finally surfacing in her chest, ultimately crushing her remaining guilt, "It's _Rey_ , I'm coming, I'm in a—"

 _"Rey, it's damn good to hear your voice!"_

Poe Dameron's voice finally came through the static. Rey let a smile lift her lips as she dove down, acutely aware of the show of force growing behind her. The First Order had finally seemed to catch on, but she kept advancing.

"I'm in a TIE fighter," She said quickly, "But I'm coming. Can you maybe not shoot me down?"

Poe voice shouted beyond the communicator, issuing orders. Relief and confusion twisted her face as she pushed forward. Poe _was_ in charge for some reason… So where was Leia?

She couldn't afford to think about it much longer as the enemy ships behind her began their showering of gunfire.

 _"We're opening the starboard hangar,"_ Poe said, she swore she heard the grin in his voice, _"Get back here."_

"You got it, flyboy."

Rey sped forward, reminding herself that she'd need to thank Chewie for teaching her his best evasive maneuvers, veering right as three Resistance fighters roared over her with suppressing fire. As far as she could tell, they were holding their own over the First Order better than they ever had. She thought she might celebrate under different circumstances. If Ben wasn't on that ship behind her…

As she finally approached her old home, Rey wondered if Poe was going to continue their assault now that she had returned… Her stomach churned. If he knew their Supreme Leader was on that ship, she'd bet that he would. He wouldn't give up the opportunity to cripple the First Order, especially since the _Finalizer_ was currently standing alone, without reinforcements. Guiltily, she hoped another Star Destroyer would make its way into their space. If they were outnumbered, maybe they'd try to make a run for it. It was selfish and wrong, but she couldn't push the thought from her mind.

She stole one last look behind her, at the place she'd come to call home over the past few weeks, shrouded with stagnant clouds of smoke and debris as the fighters from each side whirled through space; She could feel Ben, somewhere. His anger was planted in the back of her mind, but she couldn't be sure if it was directed at her quite yet. She didn't want to think about it… but if he didn't know yet, he would soon. And she knew he wouldn't understand. She'd abandoned him there. She'd left him alone. He'd hate her. And she couldn't deny that she felt the loneliness threatening to consume her already. The smallest shred of regret tugged at her chest.

Embarrassed, she wiped the remainder of her tears from her cheeks with the back of her sleeve and tore her eyes from the _Finalizer_ as she pulled her stolen TIE fighter into the bright, familiar hangar.

She placed her hand on the crystal in her pocket absentmindedly and wondered, briefly, if she'd ever be able to finish it now. She'd spent so long trying to dissolve the conflict in Ben's heart, it had never crossed her mind that she'd fall victim to conflict of her own. The way she'd fought the pull of the Dark seemed so frivolous now. It had never been _pulling_ her at all. In a lot of ways, it was just like the Light. It existed in everything. It was everywhere. It was part of the balance. Being afraid of it only gave power to her fears; just like Ben's fear of the Light pulled him in two.

Rey hesitated for a moment before emerging from her stolen ship. What was she supposed to say to her friends? How would she explain what had happened to her? She wasn't sure if she had the heart to tell them the full truth. She was even less sure if she could bring herself to lie to them after everything they'd risked trying to bring her back. They deserved her honesty… but she wasn't sure what that honesty might cost her. After leaving Ben, she wasn't sure if she would be able to handle the Resistance abandoning _her._ She'd have nowhere left… She'd really be alone again.

She swallowed her fears and finally stepped into the hangar bay, knowing there was nothing she could do to push Ben from her mind.

Her friend was upon her in seconds, squeezing a smile back onto her face again. Her sadness lifted a little; _this_ was why she'd come back. These people loved her, they were the family she never had.

Finn wrapped his wide arms around her and pulled her into a crushing embrace. Before she could return the hug, he let go and grabbed her shoulders, staring into her eyes with furious worry. He squeezed her arms and his frown deepened, "Are you okay?" She saw the muscles in his jaw clench, "Did they hurt you?"

 _No._ She answered both questions silently, unable to open her mouth and form the words he'd want to hear. Instead she pushed his hands from her shoulders and fell back into his embrace. She needed to remind herself why she was here. She pressed her ear to his sternum and sighed. His heartbeat was strong under his chest. _It was the right decision_ … she tried to tell herself as Finn wrapped his arms back around her. The Resistance was strong. Finn was alive. Poe was alive—

Rey gasped and pulled away, "Where's General Organa?" She nearly shouted, remembering the way Poe had been giving orders over the comms.

Finn's face faltered for a second and Rey's stomach dropped but he shook his head quickly, as if to quell her fears, "She's still here, Rey. But she's asleep… kind of." He crossed his arms, "It happened all of a sudden, pretty soon after we went back to Florrum…" The guilt was thick in his voice, but he pressed on, seemingly unaware of the way Rey's face twisted to match his own, "Which, for the record, if I'd had a say, we never would have—"

"Finn." She shook her head, she didn't want an apology from anyone. There was no way she could handle that.

"Right." He said with a nod, like he just remembered what he was talking about, "I don't know if it was like, a _Force_ thing, or something… but she fainted, and she's been asleep for a while now. Vitals are good, though." Finn pursed his lips, and Rey furrowed her brow.

She knew she should go see Leia as soon as possible, but she turned toward the bridge instead. If there was anything she could do to stop Poe from destroying the _Finalizer_ , she had to find a way. Just a short while ago she would have seized any opportunity to blow up a First Order vessel, to cripple their defenses. But things were different now. Ben was still there under the façade that was Kylo Ren. She'd _seen_ him, she'd lived with him. And she needed him. The Resistance wouldn't forgive him, she knew that. She could never expect them to. Knowing that Leia was stable, Rey had something that she, rather guiltily, found more important at the moment. She had left Ben with the First Order, but she couldn't just let him die. She _wouldn't_ let him die. Her blood boiled at the thought, and she turned her head to look at Finn, "I need to talk to Poe." He looked taken aback at the sound of her voice, at the rage imbedded in it. She was too. But he nodded again and she pushed forward, making her way to the bridge. And to Poe.

As Rey stormed her way through the halls, with her quiet, seething determination, Finn followed closely on her heels. But she skidded to a stop soon after crossing the threshold and stepping onto the bridge, coming face to a terrifyingly still room, Poe Dameron positioned over the war table. His scruff face was twisted in skepticism, and one dark eyebrow was raised as he sighed into the transmitter. He raised his eyes to meet hers for just a moment, a grin pulled at his lips before he returned his attention to his conversation she interrupted.

 _"—You_ will _show respect, scum. You're speaking to the Supreme Leader of the First Order!"_ A familiarly nasally voice sounded through the room. Rey frowned, she recognized it as the red haired General Hux. _"And you will give me what I want."_

"Funny, I could have sworn Kylo Ren held that stupid title," Poe spat back, annoyance obvious in his voice. It sounded like they'd been going at it for a while.

The man scoffed at the other end of the transmission and Rey felt her confusion deepen.

 _"I know you have the traitor and the girl,"_ He hissed, _"Return him and I'll…_ consider _accepting a surrender."_

Poe groaned, lifting his eyes back to Rey. She saw a hundred questions begging for answers piled on top of his own confusion and frustration. She only stared back, not fully comprehending the conversation unfolding before her. Hux was talking like _he_ was the Supreme Leader. And that Ben was gone, stowing away with the Resistance but… Rey shook her head, and her chest fluttered nervously. If he wasn't there, where was he? Something was wrong, something had happened after Ben had left her room on the _Finalizer._ But _what?_ And how had it happened so quickly? She swallowed the fiery anger that had been building in her core as she'd approached the bridge and waited for Poe's response.

But instead Poe slammed his fist against the comm panel, silencing the seething man on the other end, and turned his head to Lieutenant Connix standing squarely beside him, "Send in the bombers," He said through a deep frown.

"Right away, General." She responded, turning her attention back to her station and her job at hand.

Rey blinked. _General_? But her friend didn't give her any time to question it further.

"Nice duds," Poe said, stepping away from the war table to approach her. He eyed her up and down, his gaze lingered on the crest adorned on her left shoulder and Rey tensed, silently cursing herself for not rummaging through her closet for her old clothes.

Rey stood still, wondering what thoughts were racing through her friend's mind. She couldn't squash the nervousness that sent her heart racing… What had the First Order told him? She wasn't being thrown in a cell and no one was holding a blaster in her direction… so that was a good sign. "What's going on?" She finally asked, trying to keep her gaze away from the observation window and the fight just beyond it.

He sighed, and his shoulders slumped, "I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on all of this. General _Hugs_ , or whatever the hell he's calling himself now, thinks we have the bastard." Poe shook his head and Rey felt herself frown, knowing full well he was referring to Ben, but he didn't seem to notice and continued, "The plan was to get you out of there and blow them up. Surprisingly, that seems to be going according to plan. I mean, here you are." A small grin crept onto his face, "You're going to have to fill me in on that, by the way… but right now," He turned his gaze to the window and Rey followed his eyes. The bombers were making their way through the empty space, "We have to focus on the blowing up part of the plan."

She felt her chest tighten. She realized, suddenly, there was no way she could talk him out of destroying the _Finalizer_. And if Ben really was gone, she wouldn't want to try to talk him out of it anyway. An uncomfortable mixture of relief and worry swirled in Rey's mind. If the Resistance managed to destroy the Star Destroyer, they'd have a leg up in the fight. It wasn't quite like destroying a Dreadnought, but it was something. Especially after how long they'd been running and hiding from the First Order just to rebuild their defenses and get back into the fray. She hated that ship, she'd love to watch it meet a bitter end. But she couldn't deny her insane worry; they'd called Ben a _traitor_. And if they didn't know where he was, he might have escaped from the ship. Rey furrowed her brow, he'd certainly betrayed the First Order. He'd murdered Snoke, he'd fought the Praetorian guards alongside her all those months ago. And more recently, he'd gone against their wishes to keep Rey alive and out of a cell, despite her lack of compliance. But he'd placed the blame on her. She wasn't sure how they could have found out about Snoke's true fate.

Rey reached out, silently, into the Force, feeling for Ben. He was distant, but he was there. His presence was clear in her mind. He was just out of her reach.

For a moment, she thought she felt him reaching toward her too. She felt the slightest brushing of his fingers against her own, and with it, his fear. Only barely overshadowing his rage. But the connection severed suddenly, and Rey was alone in the void.

 _It wasn't supposed to go like this…_ She thought again, watching the bombers advance slowly through space, toward the _Finalizer_.

* * *

 _A/N: Yes, I was very late with this. I'm sorry! I think this is going to become more of a weekly update now that I'm heading back to work after the holidays... Thanks for all your support, and thanks for reading!  
_ _Review?_


	9. Chapter 9

_Nine_ :

* * *

The misting rain fell gently against the jagged rocks dotting the shoreline of Ahch-To. Distant cries of wildlife echoed across Temple Island and the waves crashed relentlessly as the ocean stirred and clouds swirled overhead, preparing for an oncoming storm.

Kylo Ren could feel the rocks pressing against his back through his damp clothes and he stared, silently, up into the sky. He wanted to see the stars. But they were shrouded by the atmosphere and he couldn't find the energy to conjure up even the slightest bit of annoyance. He couldn't find the energy for anything. He wasn't sure how long he laid there, sprawled across the stony landscape, squinting into the rain, letting the current lap over his legs. Each time the current slowly retreated and made its way back to him, he winced. The salt burned his skin and his cauterized wounds stung. But he couldn't move. Or rather, he didn't want to. The pain reminded him of his failure and he felt like he needed to drown himself in it. It wasn't quite enough. But still, he didn't pull himself from the sea.

He'd never been here before, but it was familiar. And some part of him felt strangely at home among the foreign shores. It reminded him of Rey. That brilliantly stupid girl. He squeezed his eyes shut and let her image fill his mind; the way her nose crinkled when she looked down at the First Order garments he'd given her. The way she breathed his name, the name his mother had given him, not the one Snoke had thrust upon him, even though it didn't belong to him anymore. Even though he didn't deserve it. The bright determination shining through her hazel eyes under a hood of dark lashes. They didn't look at him the same way they had once, what felt like a lifetime ago. They saw him, every part of him, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. She saw through the monster he'd become, into what he wished he could be, and she was afraid of neither. Ren wished she'd tell him what she saw there. Maybe she could help him figure it out. He wished he could understand how she saw past what _he_ saw when he looked at himself. He wished he could remember the way he'd felt as a child, before the Darkness had rooted itself inside of him and his master had tried to strike him down… He remembered the way her cheeks flushed a hot red the last time he'd stood in front of her. Sullen defiance masked by an uneasy bashfulness. He remembered her dark, burnished hair and how long she'd let it grow since the first time he'd seen it down, that time they'd reached through space just to meet hands. It wasn't fair, the way she looked at him. It wasn't fair how beautiful she was. It wasn't fair the way her deep, dark thoughts of inadequacy lingered at the edges of her mind. She was so much more than she thought she was. She was _something_. To him. And to galaxy. He wished she saw it and at the same time, he hoped no one else ever noticed it, so he could keep it for himself.

His stomach twisted itself into a tight knot and he thought that maybe, if he could bring himself to feel anything at all in this moment, he'd feel a peculiar selfishness.

After Hux had turned on him, more suddenly than Ren thought possible—if at all—he'd felt her. She'd been crying, which wasn't exactly _unlike_ her, but it hit him harder than anything ever had before. It was a gut-wrenching cry, an apology from far away, a ring of sorrow and betrayal and hatred. He'd known, in that moment, that she'd left him. Initially it hurt. But the sting of the blasters grazing his skin, ripping him open, tore him from their connection. And then he was happy she was gone. If she hadn't taken her opportunity to flee, she'd still be aboard the _Finalizer_ and Hux and the rest of the First Order would have gutted her for whatever information they could extract from her.

A tired, wary trace of a smile found its way onto Ren's face. He knew she would never give in. Not to them, not to anyone. Not even him.

The smile faded, and Ren remembered the way her anguish dissipated, and her mind was filled with a warmth that was unfamiliar to him. When she'd returned to her _friends_ and the Resistance. All the while, he was running and throwing his enemies from their feet, cutting them all down, deflecting their traitorous fire. Every one of them burned with hatred. They all wanted him dead. Perhaps if he'd cared about the First Order at all anymore, he would have felt their betrayal as deeply as he'd felt Rey's. _She_ was happy, and safe, while _he_ was alone again. Not long after that, he'd cut himself off from her.

The connection Snoke had created to bridge their minds was volatile. It had taken him longer than he cared to admit to realize that their bond only persisted because _they_ wanted the link between them. He could have severed it at any time, just like she could have… Like he _had_ when he'd broken away from the First Order in his ship and jumped to lightspeed, fleeing them and the Resistance. And Rey.

He regretted it now.

He'd thought he'd been alone for so long that he'd taken the small tickle at the back of his mind, signaling Rey was there somewhere, for granted.

The chill of the wind ran over his body and the ocean pulled at his feet and he realized he'd never really been this alone before.

But now he was.

And he wanted to hate himself, hate her, the First Order, the Resistance. He wanted, desperately, to find the loathing he'd once held for the Sith and the Jedi, for the Dark and the Light. So that maybe, no matter how cruel or terrible, he could feel something. _Anything_. Anything other than the rocks and the sea beneath him.

Instead, he felt only the cold, hollow pang of loneliness as he reached inside himself, searching for Rey somewhere in the dark.

But she was gone—he'd sent her away in a fleeting, raging fit… that was just one more thing he could add to his toppling pile of failures.

Ren blinked the rain from his eyes and sighed into the night air, vaguely aware of his breath as it turned to vapor and whirled away into nothing above him. He was cold. That, at least, was something.

Somehow, after minutes turned to hours and the wreckage of his sinking ship had completely disappeared under the frothing waves, he found enough strength to stand and stumble further inland. Again, the familiarity struck him as he wandered forward in the dark. A quiet remnant of Rey's mind echoed through his own.

 _Ahch-To._

 _This_ was where she'd found Luke Skywalker. On some deserted island in uncharted space. Guilt wracked through him as he made his way upward, followed by confusion. He wasn't exactly sure how he'd gotten there, only that he'd taken the bits and pieces of information Snoke had ripped from Rey in the crimson chamber, and the wistful echo of her memories of this place, to guide him. It didn't seem possible, but Ren decided to take solace in the fact that the First Order wouldn't be able to follow him there regardless.

His legs trembled with each step, but Ren found himself thinking about his last few moments on the _Finalizer_ instead. How he'd left Rey alone in the room and made his way to the bridge of his ship. He almost scoffed, _his_ ship. They'd made it abundantly clear it was not his when several platoons of storm troopers and armed officers stood waiting for him just beyond the doors. Weapons drawn, Hux standing and sneering behind them. Tall and confident, almost snickering. There was no way they could have known that it was really Ren that murdered Snoke, but it seemed as though Armitage Hux hadn't needed definitive proof to turn the First Order against him. He'd cast doubt over the story, and Ren was stupid enough to think they'd believed him. They had been suspicious from the start and he'd been oblivious to it until it was too late. Part of him wanted to blame Rey; if he hadn't been so focused on her, he might have seen it coming. Another quieter part of him wanted to thank her… he felt a freedom he hadn't known since he was a child, before his mother sent him off with Luke Skywalker to become a Jedi. It was horrifying and liberating all at once— he had nowhere to go now. Ren turned his head to look back dejectedly into the black waves behind him. Even if he had some _place_ to go, he had no ship to get him there. He was trapped on this rock in deep, uncharted space.

Ren stopped suddenly and felt his jaw clench as a thought surfaced on the stagnant waters of his mind.

Luke Skywalker hadn't rushed to Crait so save the Resistance and strike him down, he'd projected himself from somewhere else with the Force.

 _Here_. Ren growled, and he turned on his feet, thinking his former master could be behind any one of those jagged rocks. He could be over any of the hills, watching him. Waiting for him to notice… But the earth was still and quiet under the wind. He was alone.

He pushed onward, climbing higher over crumbling, rocky steps.

The sunrise greeted him behind dark clouds as he came upon a secluded cave at the top of the mountain. It was an entrance. He hesitated at the threshold; something told him he wasn't welcome there. Warmth and Light radiated from that place. Just a few days ago he would have turned on his heels and wandered back down the makeshift stairs, sickened by the serenity of the Jedi and their teachings, their _Light_ … But he felt drawn to it. Like it could hold some answer to a question he didn't know he had. A heavy gust of wind pushed against his back, reminding him how cold he was, and he stepped forward, telling himself he was seeking shelter from the downpour.

After making his way through the twisting entrance, Ren stepped into a dimly lit cavern. Opposite him was a small opening, leading back outside to the cliffs. A large stone sat at the precipice, cracked down the center, dyed dark from the storm. He made his way over to it, ignoring the small, round pool at the center of the room. Another trickle of Rey surfaced in his mind as he looked at it. But not just Rey, Luke too. He wanted to reach out to it for some reason, but he stopped himself. The smallest bit of frustration surfaced on his mind. Hesitation was still an unfamiliar concept to him. He was so used to acting on his instincts. It was what he'd been taught, follow Vader's footsteps, _crush_ the things that make you weak. Do what you have to do, what you're _meant_ to do. But recently, he found himself thinking more about what consequences his actions might have. How they might impact _him_ and—he frowned at his own thoughts—how they could impact Rey. He wasn't sure if it was good or bad. It was his impulsiveness that had gotten him into this situation, after all. Subsequently, his lack of foresight had also played a role.

Ren sighed and stepped back into the rain, positioning himself on the stone with his legs crossed, wincing slightly at the gouge on his right thigh when he stretched his muscles. Then, as if he'd done it a million times before, _right here_ , he placed his fingers gently on the rock beside his legs, closed his eyes, and reached out.

The Force washed over him like the ocean, threatening to pull his feet out from under him, and pull him under the waves. But the water was _hot_ , practically boiling. It was _beautiful_ , the way he felt the world around him, the life and the decay, the wind and water crashing against the earth, against him. He felt warm and the sliver of freedom he'd felt earlier exploded in his chest… and then it was like every emotion hit him at the same time; he felt his old master's shame in his stomach as he activated his lightsaber over his sleeping pupil. He felt the lurking fear of a man watching his nephew become a monster. He felt his father's betrayal as he fell into murky nothingness after he pushed the crackling, red blade through his chest. His mother's sadness as she realized her son was beyond redemption. He felt Rey's rage as she sliced her weapon through Kylo Ren's face on Starkiller Base. He felt her compassion and her longing as she confided in him. The torture pulling her in two as he demanded she abandon her friends and come with him. He felt the fierce tug of her heart as she fell into him and kissed him after he'd taken her off of Florrum and her regret for leaving him on the _Finalizer_. He felt it all. All of it coursed through his veins, he felt his own pulse in his ears and ripped himself away.

He gasped, and his hands recoiled from the stone, as if it had burned him.

He wanted to get up and walk away, slice through the pedestal with his lightsaber for good measure again and again until it was an ugly lump of smoldering rock. He wanted to scream.

But Ren couldn't find his rage.

He felt heavy. He felt like a monster.

 _Because I am_.

He stared blankly into the storm and wished again that he could still feel Rey at the edges of his mind.

Slowly, arms shaking, he placed his hands back onto the stone.

He hated it. The Force, and his connection to it, making him feel so many things he wished he'd never known. It was cruel, like everything else in the universe. He _hated_ it. But… it was part of him. And maybe he could use it now…

He closed his eyes again and took a sharp breath, letting Rey fill his mind.

He saw her, sitting alone in a bare, albeit welcoming, room. It was brightly lit and spacious, but she was curled into one edge of her bed, her knees pulled tightly to her chest, clasping something between her hands. She didn't stir at his presence, and Ren wondered what he was seeing. Her eyes were closed, and her brow furrowed in fierce focus. Beside her on the bed was the broken fragmented pieces of the lightsaber she'd claimed. The one they'd ripped apart in their struggle on Snoke's ship all those months ago.

Ren felt a small smile lift at the corners of his mouth.

 _She's_ _meditating_ , he realized, trying to ignore the overwhelming fondness he felt as he stared down at her. During the weeks she'd spent on the _Finalizer_ he'd tried to meditate with her, so she could attune her crystal and she'd worn almost the same face, although it hadn't been quite as eager. There was an urgency to her now. It worried him and wondered just how long she'd been there.

Her hair was ruffled and messy and he noticed beads of sweat dripping down her face as she let out a slow exhale. Some part of him felt a strange sense of pride. He could feel her getting closer to her goal. He was happy for her, in a way. And he knew now that she wouldn't lift whatever weapon she created to him anymore… not unless he deserved it, anyway. There was comfort in that even if he wasn't sure why.

Ren wished he could reach further, touch her and let her know he was there. He wanted to tell her where he was. He wanted her to come to him. But even if he could, he wondered if he would. He didn't want to break her focus, especially not now that she was so close…

He felt himself wrinkle his nose at the thought—he should _want_ to stop her. If she created a lightsaber, she would really become the _Last Jedi_ that the Resistance wanted her to be. She'd become something new, something even more special. He wondered, darkly, if she'd be truly out of his reach then. If she became that hero, that light in the darkness, would she dare tarnish her reputation with the likes of him?

Ren opened his eyes and shivered as the rain fell against his face, letting his glimpse of Rey fade with a sinking feeling.

His entire life, being _special_ had been something based solely on where you came from. It determined your worth. He was the son of a princess, respected diplomat, and a Rebellion hero. With hot Skywalker blood running through his veins. He was born with a strong, ferocious connection to the Force. He was the nephew of _the_ Luke Skywalker, the legend. Ren almost scoffed at the thought but shook his head instead. It had become clear that his lineage hadn't really mattered. Everyone thought he could be part of Luke's new Jedi Order to restore balance to the galaxy and Snoke thought he could be the next Lord Vader, the _perfect_ reincarnation of Light and Dark.

 _Look where that's left me_ , he thought bitterly, _on a deserted island in the middle of deep space._ He'd probably die there, alone, _really_ alone.

Ren stood and took shelter in the cavern as the sun slowly rose somewhere behind him.

Slowly, he removed his wet clothing and inspected the wounds he'd suffered while escaping the _Finalizer_. He had multiple burns on his arms and legs from the barrage of blasters, but none had made their way all the way through his flesh except for the one on his right leg. It was deep and throbbed with every step, but it could have been much worse. He could only be thankful that none of the First Orders fire had pierced or punctured an artery. He'd be long dead by now, even with the cauterizing shots.

As fatigue finally overwhelmed him, Ren found a spot on the cold, hard ground and closed his eyes. He drifted off to sleep with nightmares playing under his eyelids. Even as the peculiar fear of his own death danced around in his mind, his dreams were filled with Rey and the alternate, cruel reality that would have come for her if she hadn't escaped back to her friends.

* * *

 _A/N: I like the idea of Ben having to be alone, without his connection to Rey, so he can try to sort himself out... but I'm not sure how I feel about the second half of this chapter.  
It's funny, when I started this I figured it was only going to be ten chapters, but now that I'm on nine, I'm like SHIT, I can't do that... haha, god, I'm just terrible at finding a way to end a fic that's satisfying enough for me and everyone else.  
I'm gonna update at least every Saturday or Sunday, I think. But if I have time, I'll post during the week.  
Thanks for reading!  
Review? _


	10. Chapter 10

_Ten:_

* * *

Rey stared at the crystals in her palm as her chest heaved for breath. Her throat was dry, her skin was sticky, and her hair was slick and damp with sweat. As she poured herself into the stones, stark realization washed over her. An ancient knowledge she shouldn't have fell into her mind. She hadn't finished her weapon yet, she realized, because she didn't have everything she needed. Ben had told her, _"The Force constructs the weapon"_ during one of their many training sessions. She hadn't quite grasped onto what that really meant. Of course, he hadn't exactly elaborated either, but she blamed that on her inability to concentrate on their meditations rather than his unwillingness to help. With a huff, she set the crystals on her bed, along with the fragmented lightsaber hilt and ran to her closet, where she kept a small bag of trinkets, spare parts, and tools. Over the months she'd found herself reverting back to her scavenger self, hording any random bits she could sell for her next meal. Obviously, she had no reason to sell the things now that she had guaranteed rations, but she kept the pieces anyway, and now she was glad she had.

She smiled as she dumped the junk onto the floor beside her bed and turned her attention to the hilt. She wasn't exactly sure what was inside, but if a lightsaber worked even a little bit like it should, it should be full of capacitors, circuits, and some kind of power cell. She knew there was more to it, but as long as she could salvage what was inside and study the remaining structure, she _should_ be able to find a way to duplicate it.

Excitement washed over her, and all her doubts and worries took to the sidelines as she fiddled with her tools, pulling the fragmented weapon apart as delicately as she could manage.

It was, somehow, less complicated underneath the protective metal than she'd expected. She could only assume it was because of this lightsabers age more than anything else, and she was grateful she wasn't tearing Ben's lightsaber apart. Who knew what kind of weird things were going on inside that thing.

Her chest tightened as she thought of Ben—she still hadn't felt him since the day she'd escaped the _Finalizer_. Not a word echoing in her mind, not a twinge confirming he was even _alive_ …

But she swallowed her fear for now and turned her gaze to her quarterstaff leaning against the wall opposite her. Hesitation kept her still, but only for a moment, and she reached over and grabbed it, laying it across her bed with the rest of the parts she'd compiled.

 _I have to mangle it_. She thought sadly, letting her fingers hover over the centerpiece. It was too long for what she intended to do with it. She'd have to cut away most of the length and then find a way to fuse it back together…

Rose came to mind. She worked on the ship. It might just be engines and pipes, but she'd definitely be better suited to help her than anyone else she might ask for help. And even though she didn't know Rose as well as she should, she was certain she'd be giddy to help her. Especially with something like this. If she was anything like Finn, that is.

She wrapped the delicate pieces together with an old rag and stuffed her scavenged parts back into the bag she'd got them from before slinging her staff over her shoulder. Almost giddily, she stuffed her Kyber and the powdery blue crystal she'd tore from the broken saber into her pocket.

Rey rose to her feet and ran for the door; if she could find Finn, she'd find Rose. They were practically attached at the hip nowadays.

After running through the halls, the hangar, and eventually making her way below decks, Rey finally came across her friends.

Finn and Rose were walking together through a rustier section of construction, hands locked together. Rey hesitated when she rounded the corner and spotted them, talking enthusiastically about something that would probably go straight over her own head. She didn't want to interrupt but… She looked down at the bags she was holding and nodded to herself, pushing forward at a jog, calling out to them when she was within earshot.

"Rose!" Rey huffed, almost laughing when she saw the way they jumped apart at the sound of her voice.

Finn spoke first, "Hey Rey," He said awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck like he was embarrassed, "How are you feeling—actually, what's with all the junk?" He frowned as she approached them and skidded to a stop, his dark eyes scanning the heap in her arms.

Rey scowled, a little insulted, "It's not _junk_ ," She pressed, turning her attention to his raven-haired companion with flushed cheeks. She couldn't deny she was happy to see him, and a little embarrassed for interrupting their outing, but she was on a mission, "Actually, I need your help with something." She nodded to Rose, and the girl looked at her as if she was seeing her for the first time. Her mouth hung open, like she didn't believe what she just heard. Rey felt a little guilty then. She wished she'd taken more time to get to know her… she was important to Finn, after all. And she'd saved her friends life back on Crait.

Rose just looked around, like Rey must be talking to someone else, then finally spoke when she realized there was no one else around, "I-I don't know what I could really help you with…" She started.

Rey shook her head, "You're the only one who can." She assured her.

"Wow." Rose laughed and took a step closer, inspecting the jingling bag Rey held in her arms, "Okay… I, yeah, okay! What do you need?"

She felt herself smile, "I need you to help me build a lightsaber."

"Whoa, whoa, I want to build a lightsaber," Finn interjected.

The three of them made their way further into the depths of the Resistance ship and Rose led them to a quiet, open room, filled with tool boxes and tables. Large saws, portable welding equipment, and other machines Rey couldn't find a name for lined the walls. She placed her staff along the table and pulled the rest of the bits from her cloth. She explained to them, the best she could, what she was planning on doing. It came out jumbled, and certainly nowhere as clear as she saw the process in her mind, but Rose didn't seem to have trouble understanding.

She stood quietly at the other side of the table and listened intently as she eyed the pieces Rey had extracted from the hilt of the ruined lightsaber while fingering through the scrap pieces Rey already had.

"Dual blades?" Rose asked, eyes wide, "You're going to need a duplicate, or at least a close second, to all the crucial pieces. I think I can help you assemble most of it… Oh! I have a better piece for this. Newer." She tapped the small, silver rod Rey had pulled from the bottom of the hilt with her pointer finer, "This power cell is old, Diatium would be better. It can hold its charge indefinitely if it's properly insulated and wired." A fierce grin made its way onto the girls face and she nodded as she met Rey's eyes, "I've never made a lightsaber before… I wish I could _really_ put it together."

Rey found herself grinning back. Her enthusiasm was horribly infectious.

She wasn't sure if some of the information from the old Jedi texts was making its way back to her or if the Force itself was guiding her in the right direction, but it was like she _knew_ exactly what she had to do. Constructing a lightsaber wasn't something just anyone could do. _The Force constructs the weapon_. She needed the pieces, she needed to understand how they fit together, and through her meditation with the crystals, as she attuned them to herself, she'd assemble it. Piece by piece. Not by hand, but with the energy of the Force. When Rey had tried to explain it to Rose and Finn, she felt silly, but Rose at least seemed like she grasped enough of it to know what she could do to help.

The mechanic wiped her hands on her coveralls and got to work, focusing on finding salvageable pieces from the broken hilt and then trying her best to find a match, or at least something she could shape into what she needed. She told everything she understood to Rey, making sure _she_ understood how each part she should connect, and then got to work on reshaping the quarterstaff.

They decided to keep each end and scrap the centerpiece, keeping only enough of it to comfortably fit both of Rey's hands.

After nearly four hours, the two of them managed to lay out each piece in the correct order of construction at each end of the mangled quarterstaff. Rose had assembled the Diatium power cells inside their insulators and conductors, wiring it to what _would_ be the energy chambers for her crystals.

"Alright," Rose Tico beamed at their work, nodding, "The rest is… up to you, right?"

"Time to do that weird Jedi stuff!" Finn chimed in from across the room, where he'd retreated when he realized he wouldn't be able to contribute.

Rey looked down at the pieces they'd set onto a blanket in the middle of the room and took a deep breath. _This_ , she thought nervously, _is the hard part._

She sat in front of—what she hoped would be—her new lightsaber. Entirely her own, made with the help of her friends. All that was left was the crystals. She reached into her pocket and placed each one in their designated spots in the lineup. "Rose," She murmured, letting her eyes flutter closed, already feeling the _life_ , the energy, the Light and Dark, flowing around her, "Thank you."

The girl laughed quietly, with just a hint of nervousness, "I wouldn't thank me yet."

Rey smiled softly and carefully reached out.

She felt the crystals before her, almost as if they were singing. The tune was a mixture of sadness and serenity and she felt the Light curl around her body, creating a cocoon of warmth, shielding her from the Darkness. She let it fill her up until she overflowed, and she let her memories flow with it. Everything she could remember that brought her peace; Finn and Poe, fighting for her, racing through space to bring her back to them. Rose working tirelessly, selflessly, to help her build what she needed. Leia worrying about her lack of sleep, insisting that she was _home_ , that the Resistance was her home. She remembered Ben and the way he'd saved her, the way that they fought together after he cut down Snoke. She remembered how she felt so _whole_ when their connection had finally returned, and the way he kissed her that first time. She remembered the way he looked at her, the way they were so similar and yet so drastically different… she felt the balance they'd made. And then she let the despair take hold of her too—she let the Light leave her body and she allowed the Dark to let her feel it. Her loneliness on Jakku, her anguish on Ahch-To, the reality of her parents. She remembered the way the Resistance had left her on Florrum, and the fleeting thought of Ben driving his lightsaber through her back when he'd grabbed her in the desert. Rey let the guilt return to her mind as she remembered the way she'd joined Ben on the _Finalizer_ , and the tearing sorrow she felt for leaving him behind.

Even with her eyes closed, Rey saw the pieces on the floor in front of her move, and take shape. They floated through the air, swirling above her head. Each crystal held a sharp glow, almost blinding.

 _Balance_. Light. Dark. And in between.

Through her mind, Rey watched the crystal from the broken saber pulsing a deep, serene blue. And she watched the other, her Kyber, struggle. She watched it twitch in the air, fighting for it's purpose. Like she fought for hers. Like Ben fought for his. For a second, so quick she thought she might have imagined it, she watched it explode into a deep red, and then it was something else entirely. They both were. As the last pieces of the lightsaber merged, the Light blinded her and then the Dark crept in to soothe the pain.

 _Balance._ She thought again, quietly, acutely aware of her heartbeat pounding in her ears with deafening urgency.

When Rey finally opened her eyes again, she saw Rose and Finn across from her, backs pressed against the wall, eyes shut in a deep sleep. She wasn't sure how long she'd been trapped in her meditation, but if the two of them had passed out, it had to have been at least a few hours. Before her, lying still on the blanket, was her creation. A staff, less than half the size of her original. She exhaled sharply and wiped the sweat from her brow. A queasy nervousness settled in the pit of her stomach as she looked down at it. She was certain, somehow, that she'd completed it. But the flashes of color she'd seen under her eyelids kept her from reaching for it. According to the texts she'd taken from Ahch-To, the color of a lightsaber determined the kind of Jedi you were. They determined your personality, in a way. It was something you couldn't hide. Anyone who saw the blade would see the truest part of you.

Rey swallowed hard and reached forward, slowly, taking the familiar material in her hand.

She couldn't deny the fierce worry that sprang up inside her—what if it was… what if she'd let the Dark in _too_ far?

Her thumb hovered over the ignition, and with one final unsteady breath, she pressed it.

Each side emerged simultaneously with a smooth, quiet hum, and bathed the room in an unfamiliar light.

Rey stared into the flickering lilac blades. Confusion washed over her, barely overshadowing her guilty relief.

It wasn't what she expected, but it was beautiful. She felt herself in it, somehow. She wanted to wake up Finn and Rose, sleeping across from her with their hands loosely entwined, she wanted to show them and ask them if they knew what it meant. But she couldn't find her voice, and suddenly all she wanted was to show Ben. He'd know. She wondered if he'd be proud or disappointed, or if he'd care at all… She wasn't even sure how she felt. She had been expecting another blue weapon, or maybe green. And she'd feared it would show a bright, terrifying crimson. But it was none of those.

A soft, tired smile lifted her lips.

It didn't matter what it meant. It was _hers_. She didn't know if she was a Jedi, or if she was the hero the Resistance wanted her to be. She didn't know if it was good or bad, but suddenly, she didn't care. It felt like things were clicking into place, she thought that maybe, she felt whole.

 _Almost_. Her brain reminded her.

Ben's absence brought her back into reality and she extinguished her new weapon.

It had only been two days since her escape from the _Finalizer_ , since it's destruction at the hands of the Resistance. Initially she'd felt like she was _really_ home, she was comforted by the familiarity, and her friends. But she'd realized, rather quickly, that it didn't feel the same. No… that wasn't quite right. _She_ wasn't the same. And it made the ship feel hollow somehow. She didn't like it, the way her perspective had changed so drastically. She didn't like that it was Ben Solo that kept her from feeling alone. If she could have her way, Ben would be there with her, she would stand side by side with all of them. She'd feel whole and she'd feel like she really belonged somewhere. But it wasn't a perfect world, and _her_ way was naïve. She knew that, but she longed for it anyway.

Rey sighed, a little too loudly, and saw Rose stir.

The mechanic's eyes lit up when she saw the device in Rey's hand and she gently crawled away from Finn until she was less than a foot away.

"Did it work?" She whispered, enthusiasm obvious even in her hushed voice.

Rey nodded and tried to shrug off the sadness that had made its way into her chest, "Thank you," She told her again, "I couldn't have done it without you."

Rose smiled but she seemed to notice the change in her demeanor, "I-I'm sure you're tired of being asked but… _are_ you okay? You were with the First Order for weeks…" The worry was thick in her voice and Rey felt guilty again. "It's okay if you're _not_."

Rey decided, suddenly, that she liked this girl, and smiled, "It wasn't what everyone thinks," she murmured, "I wasn't in a cell. I wasn't starving. I wasn't tortured for information." Despite being back with the Resistance for a few days, no one had questioned her about her captivity yet. Poe seemed preoccupied with getting the fleet back to their base and Leila's condition, but once they were back on planet, she knew the rest of the higher-ups would demand to know what had happened. Poe trusted her, but despite her status in their ranks, she was still unfamiliar to many. They wouldn't trust her blindly like her friends did. She didn't exactly have anything to hide, she hadn't given the First Order anything at all, but she knew that would seem suspicious on its own.

Rose raised one thin eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"He took me from Florrum," the words were begging for release, and Rey pushed on in a hushed whisper, glancing over at Poe to make sure he was still sleeping soundly, "And instead of putting me in a jail cell, he gave me a room. He wanted to _train_ me… it was like the First Order wasn't even there. I never saw a storm trooper or a blaster until you guys showed up. And I escaped."

" _He_?" Rose asked, leaning forward like she could feel the importance in keeping quiet, "You mean… _Kylo Ren_?"

There was more shock in her voice than disgust. Pure disbelief painted her fair face and she hurriedly tucked her wispy tendrils of hair behind her ears when Rey nodded.

"So, he wanted you for the First Order, right? I mean… if he wanted to train you, he wanted you to be a Sith, like him?"

Rey shook her head. That wasn't quite right, but she couldn't exactly disprove Rose's theory either. Ben despised the Sith as much as the Jedi despite his demeanor and cruel actions. At least as far as she could tell. His hatred of Snoke and the deep seeded regret he'd never voice seemed like proof enough of that. But she couldn't explain her connection to Ben. There was no way this girl could understand, and there were no words Rey could think of to describe it without making her sound like a liability. Or a traitor. "It didn't _feel_ like that. Not on the surface at least. I can feel the conflict inside of him…" she frowned, wondering if her words would make sense, "He's not lost. Not completely. I can't explain why I know it, or why it matters, but I know... and it's _killing_ me."

Rose was silent for a long time, as if she was mulling over Rey's words. She grew wary in the silence, wondering if she'd said too much, if she sounded crazy. But when she spoke again, she tilted her head to look back at Finn and a soft smile lifted her lips. "Back on Crait," she started slowly, "When the First Order brought their breaching canon to the surface… we were fighting a losing battle. There were so few of us. _You_ saved us. And all Finn wanted, that dummy," she shook her head and her smile deepened, "was to save us too. He thought his life would be worth losing just to buy us time. It was brave and so, so _stupid_. And I couldn't let him do it. Even though it might have saved the base and more of our people, I… I couldn't let him do it…" She shook her head, "I told him we wouldn't win this war by fighting what we hate, but by saving what we love… _Who_ we love." Rose's dark eyes peered into Rey, and she suddenly felt uncomfortable by what she was implying. "I… I know we don't know each other that well. And I can't say I understand whatever it is you're going through. But I know you give all of us _hope._ That must be a heavy burden to bear. Finn, Poe, General Organa… even me, we'll never abandon you. But I don't think any of us can quite understand," she gestured to the lightsaber in Rey's hand, "all of _this_. And all the scary stuff that comes with it. If you're going to help us end this war, you need to be ready. You need to do whatever you have to, whatever it is, to make sure you are."

Rey blinked and turned her gaze downward to her weapon, squeezing it in her hand. Rose's words drifted through her mind and she pondered them thoughtfully. She'd always thought that she'd have to take everything in stride and deal with it as the world handed it to her. But she wasn't _ready_. For the responsibility that came with what she was. Or the burden accompanying it. She wasn't sure she ever would be. Things would have been much easier if she could have just shut out Ben. If she would have closed their connection forever and pushed forward, becoming the Jedi Luke Skywalker would want her to be. It would have been easier if she never understood him and he'd never consoled her. If he never would have kissed her and opened up the already bulging floodgates to the Dark in her heart. But they were connected, even if she couldn't feel him right _now_. And she knew she needed him. It wasn't a guilty realization, like she thought it should be, it was a twisting, tangling tug. And she loved it, despite herself. Rey knew that the First Order had to be stopped. It wasn't a matter of who was right and wrong. It wasn't that that Resistance was the one just cause in the universe. It was just the only thing that stood in the way of a purposeless evil. She knew she had to play a role, and she knew she couldn't do it alone. Ben had no desire to join them, but somewhere inside of him, she'd felt his hunger for redemption. For purpose. And he certainly wouldn't be able to find it if he spent the rest of his remaining life fleeing from them.

Rey climbed to her feet, snapped her lightsaber to her belt, and held out her hand to Rose. The mechanic took it and looked at her quizzically as she stood.

"Are you leaving?" Rose whispered.

Rey shook her head, "No. Not yet. I have to fix something first."

Rose leaned in, her face was grave, but her eyes sparkled with unwavering kindness, "Make sure you say goodbye," She turned her gaze to Finn sleeping against the wall and then back, "He'll blame himself. And so will Poe."

She nodded. Rey had no intention of running away. And she wouldn't be going anywhere if she couldn't rebuild her connection to Ben.

* * *

 _A/N: I don't know about you guys, but personally, I love Rose. I know she wouldn't really have any knowledge about lightsabers and their construction, but she's obviously handy and has a lot of information stored in her brain, so I figured her helping Rey with her lightsaber wasn't the most far-fetched. I figured it was more in the realm of possibility than having Rey just do it all on her own. I also wanted Rey to have a conversation with someone about Ben, especially someone who didn't have any personal experience with him.  
_ _Anyway, thanks for reading!  
_ _Review?_


End file.
